postpone

who would want someone like that?....

fascination. mental frustration and blurry lines.
the one moment you feel a flicker of happiness..

i think the world today is a funny thing. and when you find you the one place of acceptance to be a bright, square box.
the place that ignites the imagination. the dream. and it opens the ideas.
but one thing it lacks: my physical escape.

today i thought about the ignition of a phrase, or as some would consider a phase.
what people fail to realize is it is not a phase. and as you look back into the years, the signals, the reality is there. every clue unraveled and every answer ripe for the picking.

i do not remember many memories from the early years, but i do remember some.
ones painful, and as in now in my life, memories i refrain from revealing. perhaps such things i will take to my grave....

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perhaps another time and another place.
the walls have ears.
the internet has eyes.
and my mind has a guilt complex.
how sad to think i cannot even trust a computer screen..

website dating

the funny thing with online dating. it is just a cheap way people make money.
people never commit to the dating experience.
they look at your profile, they read what you write, and then they never talk to you.
maybe they will say hi, and that is it.
i have been on this site multiple times, trying to meet people, not for my sake mind you.
i am not doing this for me.
i am doing this for my family. my religion. for people i have not even met yet.
to try and find a way of acceptance, of love, appreciation.
self sacrifice.
i want to feel like i belong with my family, and am not so different that they have to feel disgusted with me every time i am around. to be looking in the face of a disaster, disgust, abomination.
and yet, i feel even worse than ever.
they ARE looking in the eyes of a disaster because behind closed doors, behind this exterior, i am tearing myself apart. piece by piece.
and this website is not helping.
a waste of money. a waste of time.
people look, and you can see who looks, but they never talk back or respond back.
shallow. guys.
am i not pretty enough for them?
am i too intimidating? too down to earth? to confident?
i do not get it.
girls too for that matter.
i feel like i have so much to give to another person, so much life and experience and love, but i am NEVER given the chance.
people meet me or see my picture and they run away. they make an excuse.
granted, i have my fair amount of times turned people away, but at least i got to know the person first.
truly face to face. hang out IN PERSON. talked IN PERSON. saw each others face IN PERSON.
i always feel if things do not happen, people take one look at me and pass on by, that it is my fault.
there is something wrong with me. i am the problem.
perhaps that is the truth. there IS something wrong, or off.
People can sense that. They have that power.
Guys sense i have a woman attraction. Girls sense i have an insecurity.
but who does not have those things? everyone does on their own level.
i am human. and there is nothing wrong with me.
i am not broken! i am a real human being. i have feelings. i have a voice.
i have a heart and emotions. i get hurt, i fall down, i cry.
and when i see people pass me by for who knows what reason, it hurts.
whether it is meant to be or not, it still hurts when rejection hits.
self-deprivation is what occurs.
"you are too intimidating" "maybe you should be less forward in your view on certain things" "perhaps not be too smart" " act dumber" "you should dress more girly" "wear more heels and make up" " you would be a lot cuter if your hair was longer" " you are too picky." "you are too independent" "you make people nervous" "peoples first impression is you are rude and mean and have that attitude of you are better than everyone" " you are too confident in your skin". "you are out of my league" " i do not want to date you because you are more marriage material and i just want to date." "you are too motherly" "you are not pretty enough" "you are not my type" "you arent girly enough" "you are not easy enough" " you are too hard to read and i do not have the patience" " you are too cold" "you are overwhelming" " you show to much care and interest" "you are one of the guys" "you are just a friend material." "you are like my sister"

all have been said to me on one or more occasion.
I honestly do not know if I should take these as compliments or insults. how many more you and you and you this and you that.
a girl can only take so much rejection: positive and negative: before she begins to doubt herself.
sure, there is someone out there for everyone.
sure people will tell you:
" i do not understand why no one has married you yet" "you are so loving" "you are so nice" "you are beautiful" "you really care for people" " you are a wonderful house person" "you are smart" "you are perfect marriage material" " you are still single? that is crazy!"

the list can go on and on and on.
obviously it is not my time, for any of the above.
'that person is out there; you just have to be patient and not look. it will come to you.'
yea, i have believed in that philosophy my whole life, and look where it has gotten me?
on a chair sitting in front of my computer, writing on a blog, a college graduate with no job and future lined up, poor and so in debt, single, living with the parents, and wondering what is going to happen next.

and all this negativity and self pity and loathing, all from a stupid dating website. i knew i should not have joined and wasted that money and time. how many times do i have to learn?
subconscious rejection by the masses and the internal.