godly mansions

holy angels in the sky! i love singing in cathedrals! cathedrals seriously are the most gorgeous buildings on earth! not only is their architecture domineering and beautiful on the outside, the inside is full of beauty and the acoustics...glorious! the decorations of stain glass windows, wall paintings, the godly statues, the candles, everything is just beautiful.


the cathedral our choir sings in is the st. augustine cathedral on stone ave. it is absolutely beautiful. they are remodeling it, making it even more gorgeous than it already is. i am just fabrigasted at how wonderful the acoustics are in there. i wish i could sing there everyday!!! because of these beautiful cathedrals i sometimes wonder what it would be like to be a catholic! they just seem to be so, historic and full of excitement and culture. i am so thankful for catholics because they have amazing cathedrals and a fascinating history!

the acoustics in the st.augustine cathedral really and truly are stunning. two of the pieces we are performing are laus trinitati and ubi caritas. they are boh acapella latin pieces and they sound.gasp...angelic!
latin acapella pieces in a cathedral, i feel as though i should only be singing those types of pieces and convert to be a nun! i could just see it now: the first mormon nun! it would be stellar. i probably will not be dating or getting married anyway so why not take a vow of celebecy and sing latin renaissance and medieval music? i would not last as a nun honestly though. i would break too many rules. and i probably would go nuts after a while, if i have not already. besides, buddhism, now that is something to consider! or hindu...greek, roman and egyptian mythology, reincarnation? is it obvious that i just find world religions fascinating! i really do. they all have something i can learn of and from. each one has something to offer everyone in this world. a little bit everything....what is so bad about that?


on that note, go cathedrals and go choir today. that was the best we have ever sounded! please can we sound like that for our concert on sunday?! please please. we are singing in a cathedral, a house of god, and we are singing latin pieces! it is godly music in a godly atmosphere! please god let us rock it! :D and please choir, do not go on autopilot and stop caring. this is our biggest concert and our time to shine and show everyone how hard we work. how about we do not screw up for once? yes. good chat. :)

my ice cream sundae day.

i was at work today, 3 cheese and a noodle, and i was working the entree' line. there was a bit of a line today, which usually does not happen. two of the entrees are baked penne and sausage classico, which is pretty much baked penne with sausage and peppers. both pennes ran out, so i had to stop serving peeps and get the fresh ones out of the warmer. i replaced the baked penne and served one customer since the line was growing. then i went to replace the sausage classico. as i was taking it to the line, another employee came over and as i went to put it down, she got in my way and in my space and guess what happened next? oh yes, the whole thing fell on the floor and splattered everywhere! what a mess. i am so clumsy. i felt awful.

i went to get another entree out of the warmer to serve. i had to serve all the customers before i cleaned the mess. as it turns out, the chef, joe, was extremely upset! he was not happy with me at all. i mean, come on, it is a food place; food is going to spill dude. but i guess he was more mad at the fact that i just so happened to spill it right in front of the "main bosses". hooray for me and my timing! i even served them and i had no idea who they were. i even spoke to her and i had no idea! i said that everyone has the chance to make a mistake. i guess i just had mine. she laughed. however, all four of them could have been putting on a front.

what even made joe more upset was the fact that one of bosses was angry that our screen was not working. so what did they notice? broken screens and employees spilling food. great! i was so dirty. i cleaned up everything, except for my jeans!!! i still had to go to school and i had sauce all over my jeans. fabulous. i have tried to get most of the sauce off, but it is being difficult. i was in choir and i pulled sauce out of my hair! gross.

i can only laugh at the fact now. at least now i can say that i am officially in the food business. i had my " initiation" today. nobody truly works anywhere until they make a boo-boo! today was my day. i feel so...humiliated. that just ruined my good employee streak. wait until my shift boss hears about it. i hope i do not get chewed out too badly.

it was just a wonderful event, the cherry, to top off my beautiful day! i woke up this morning...with a stuffed nose and a pounding head. not to mention i still feel that way. my side was and is throbbing and so many other things! i went to pick up something and i tore my shoulder....again!!! my arm, will it never cease to cause me pain? :D
today is definitely a day i wished had not happened. everything is a blur. okay. i have to say this. i know my blogs lately have not been real, upsy daisy, but i started the blog to write down about my day and how i am feeling. and this is how i have been feeling!

so, today, definitely a day i want to forget. i woke up this morning in tears. and the more this day continues, the worse i feel. i can feel my drive, my life draining and leaving. i can. i have lost the drive to do anything. go to school, blah. eat...not hungry. say prayers...why? read the book....what for? study, breath, try.. what is the point? what is the point of any of it? can i just quit now? no. i am not a quitter. that is too easy and the easy way out is never the right one to take. but i am just so done with....this, with me. i am shrinking and i can seriously feel the darkness growing all around me, encircling me with no way to see whats what. i feel cold. .and no that is not because i am not wearing a sweater.i feel as though a cold wind is always blowing, but it makes my whole body and mind shiver. as if it is the cold kiss of death beckoning me to come and play. it all is just happening so fast. i cannot seem to focus.this weekend really has put me out of wack..well...it certainly sped it up.

i honestly have been trying. i have been trying so hard. but i swear it seems the harder i try, the faster i go backwards instead of forwards. with every inch i go forwards i fall backwards 4 inches. do i focus too much on what used to be than what is in store? can i just stop trying...for my sake? maybe staying stable is better than moving forward or backwards. perhaps i should just stop caring as much as i do about the whole ordeal? it really cannot be that big of a deal !?!?!?!?

light bulb! idea! breakthrough!!! i am doing this. i wonder where this is going to end up? interesting.somewhere other than here that is for sure. i hope i can maintain it :D smiles and smiles everyone! a new adventure is starting because: adventure is out there! the end.

sting

i am back in tucson now! i do have to say that i do miss those chillins though. they are so cute. but at the same time i am so glad not to be around crying complaining children! i can actually think for myself! i do miss my sister though. i hardly got to see her since she was out hunting all day. some other time i guess, hopefully soon. just the two of us for some sister act! yes.

i got home this sunday afternoon, washed my clothes, and i took a shower this evening! now i am all clean from the travels i have had! squeaky clean and it feels good! i love taking showers. they really are so relaxing. however, this shower was a bit stingy. i have a cut on my side and it really did not like the water. it really hurt, especially when the soap got in it! ya-ouch! but at least now the cut is clean and ready for bed tonight! oh how glorious! i am so excited to snuggle in my blanket, on my bed and in my apartment.

what a cute duckling!it is so cute and yellow and not rubber. it is real!


school starts tomorrow and i do not want to go back. i cannot say that i have had the most relaxing thanksgiving break, but it has been a break none the less! i am so beat. i have had practically no sleep whatsoever! i am going to dooze off probably right when i finish this blog and family prayer. i am not wanting to go back to school! i only have 2 weeks left and then finals, but still! just the idea of going back is dreadful. please do not make me do it! no no no no. ahhhhhhH!!!! okay, over-exaggerate. but not really. school= pain + torment + no desire to be there...at all!

i did it though. i survived but with some fail. i guess i let myself get the best of me. sheesh. work in progress i guess, if you have the heart you can triumph anything! if you have the heart that is. :D i think i may need to do a bit of soul digging. maybe i will find the gold!

goodnight!

fire fire burning higher

i could not pass not writing about this!

i was changing bubba beef cakes diaper and i guess holden got into the candle. him and hunter decided to play in the flames! whatever they were playing with they threw away in the trash can. i took my eyes off them for about 2 minutes and in that time they lit the trash on fire!
as i was finishing up with the baby hunter comes in and says the trash is on fire. i thought he was over exaggerating, but no he was not! the whole trash was on fire! i could not believe it! i tried to shake the flames out as much as i could with whatever was left of the bag. then i took it out back and hosed it down! oh i was so thankful that it was just the trash on fire! and that hunter came and told me! things could have been a lot worse! oh my goodness.

now it is back to a smokey kitchen to make the children mac n cheese for dinner! things in this house, they just never die down. my heart is still going. what a fright! but what a laugh at the same time. kids. you got to love them. now after dinner it is time for bed. good night children.

greetings from the hay house

wow! can i just say wow!? i am surviving the haymore house! although, it is a lot harder than i thought it would be. my nephews sure are little gremlins that is for sure. all they are doing is yelling and complaining and making messes. i swear all i have done here is change diapers, clean, make food, clean, make food, clean faces, put on movies, clean, make food, and tell them the same things over and over! do not touch that, sit down, no climbing on the tv, stop yelling, put that back, etc. haha. i think i have watched kung fu panda 3 times in the past day! they just love it so much! and who can blame them, it is a fabulous movie! i am not complaining. i am just surprised i have not had a dream about noodles!

my nephews are cute, when they are sleeping. that is for sure! haha. nah, they are cute all the time. they just really know how to drive a person crazy. i have to keep reminding myself that they are kids, they do not know any better. they are kids, keep your patience, breath in breath out. breath in breath out. i am going to take them to the park today, to let them burn off some steam. that is a good plan i believe. yes yes.
i do not know how my sister handles all 4 of these boys. they sure are a handful. way to go mothers! i know i am not ready to be one yet. i want kids, i love kids, i just do not want them right now! everytime i babysit any of my 7 nephews i am reminded how kids sure are a handful and i am thankful i do not have any yet! now when i get married, that will be a different story. but for now, no kids for muah!

children are a blessing. and they sure do know how to make you smile at the most unexpected time! my nephews can drive me crazy, but it is the small loving things they do that really make me love them more than ever. i sleep on the couch. early this morning the 2nd youngest boy hudson( aka the rat) crawled on the couch next to me, and put the covers over himself.and i wrapped my arms around him and we slept together.
it was so sweet! the youngest boy, hastings( we call him bubba beef cakes because he is just a porker) was so cute when i feed him his bananas for breakfast. as we sat on the floor, i would sing bananas bananas as i would put the spoon in his mouth. he thought it was so fun! he started to crawl away and then he would stop and look back at me. i would hold up the spoon and sing bananas bananas. he would smile and crawl away, then turn back around and smile. he then went on the other side of the couch and i could not see him, so i would just sing the bananas to him. it was so cute because he poked his head around the corner of the couch and smiled and then hid again. and then we would poke his head around again and smile. this went on for about 4 minutes. it was so much fun. it took me forever to feed him his bananas. i had to chase him into the family room with them! but he did eat them all after much smiles and play. hooray for beef cakes! the oldest boy hunter is a good kid. they all are. he helps out a lot with picking things up and keeping an eye on bubba beef cakes. he usually causes the other kids to cry, but not on purpose. he is just the oldest and wants things his way. a good kid he is. he always has the biggest smile on his face. he is always happy, full of energy. he is a good kid. and the 2nd oldest, holden, he is just a sweet heart. he is a baby, always acting helpless, talking to you in a sweet helpless voice. he does it to get what he wants. of course i give in to it, if he does it when i am in a good mood! :D but he always comes and gives me a kiss on the head and says he loves me. he also cuddles with me on the couch when we watch tv. it is so precious.

how can anyone deny how much they love these kids? i sure do! time sure does fly! since i hardly get to see them, when i do see them they keep getting older! and they know so much more. crazy how time does that to us. :) ( the picture was taken in april 2010 so they have changed looks a bit, well, mostly the baby!)they all have such different personalities and the older they get, the more distinct they are! it is amazing to observe and watch them grow. i love them so much. however, right now, they are beating each other up in the other room. one is crying, hudson it is. oh my. it has been non-stop crying and complaining all day. it will never stop!

past time

i guess i am relieved to say that i did not do anything i would regret last night!



i actually went to go see the new disney tangled! it was an amazing movie. it is so cute and adorable and hilarious! it was nice to get out of the house and have a laugh. disney does it every time! i absolutely love love LOVE disney movies! i actually made up a christmas list today for my mother and disney movies are on there! i want more so so bad! the number of disney movies i still need in my collection is amazing. i am slacking in that department. but hey everyone, money does not grow on trees. :(

i am sorry to have be such a downer lately. i guess the adversary is really trying to break things apart. and knowing me, like he does ( we have a history), he knows exactly how to do it!
i decided to take a shower when i got home, figuring a hot shower is so soothing and comforting and it helps me to wash away the grim and grime. i sat in the shower for the longest time. the hot water was so relaxing. i love a nice hot shower let me just say that. oh yes.

but i cannot say i am proud of this or that. my mind is not made up. my thoughts are not clear. reassurance is always nice. but what if i do not want to? i honestly just want to give up. i do. more than ever. a couple of weeks ago i hit my breaking point. but i have only inched away from it and a couple inches, that is a start, but they can be subtracted real fast. what if there is no escape from this? i do not want to be reminded, i do not want to think about it, i do not to want to want to do it. i felt my pulse last night, starring at my hand, and then at my reflection. what did i see? my reflection. but nothing more. and then i thought, there is a better way. how many times i just want to, how many times i just think about it, how many hours out of the day i want to forget. everyday being reminded, by those of contact and myself. i read an entry i wrote last week and this is some of what it says:

"... the underlining message behind my actions, i truly believe, is because i suffer from depression. i am not going to lie. it is more relavant than ever and there is no more denying it. i know that it is true. i focus too much on the negative and they can'ts and all that other jazz.....like death. and i cannot lie, i tried. i rreally thought long and hard about it. i could not finish it though. i could not go through with it. i chickened out. but i did it to the point where i was scared that i would die. that scared me. i usually do the things to the point where i scare myself. and i do it every time, to see if i could feel the pain, feel something. but you know what scares me seriously?

i always told myself that no matter how i would be feeling, about this same sex attraction, that i would never act on it, EVER! i can think about it, and try my hardest to get rid of it, and as long as i do not act on it i will be fine. i told myself i would not do it. but guess what? i did... i actually did. that scares me. more in the sense because i tell myself that i will never kill myself or tell myself i will never do things, and eventually, i just will. it will just happen. and by that point, it will be too late. that scares me. i do not trust myself. i am afraid of myself. even now, even now with how much i am trying. i went to the bishops. he knows. he told me to go get some counsling, with the LDS services. i am super nervous, but no matter, i think it probably is wise. i can tell myself all i want that i do not need it, but i need to be smart. this is not normal. i need to seek help. and friends and bishop, they can only do so much. i wish they were all i needed because i love them so much. and i know that they are here for me. and i need them more than ever. but they have their own lives.
i need help. i know i do. i cannot do this by myself. i am not strong enough. i am not! i do not even want to look at myself in the mirror. i do not want to go to school. i have been so negative and depressed for so long that even the thought of being happy is depressing. how pathetic is that? :) i just do not know what is wrong with me, why i am doing this to myself? am i seeking attention? maybe at first, but not anymore. am i trying to proove something? no, actually, nothing at all. i do not get it. maybe i find pleasure in hurting myself. i think maybe that is it the more i think about it. i like to feel the pain. i like the hurt. but that is so messed up. who wants to feel that way? it would make sense though. i am always putting myself in terrible situations. i abuse myself. i think negatively about myself. when i am happy, i feel depressed and when i am depressed i am depressed. i do not understand me? i seriously am a person who thrives off of hurt and pain and grief. wow. i never thought of that. pain..i long for pain. i seek comfort through pain. okay..now i need help..."

so that is part of it. yea. i can say it is true. i wish it was not though. but i need to face the facts. i feel the more i try, the worse i feel. well, the more i want to just quit trying, if that makes any sense. i am trying. i am trying. but i am losing the faith in myself, which for me is quite easy to loose, especially where i am at. it hurts when the ones you love, the ones you seek comfort and love from hurt you more than anyone else can. i feel..awful when i come here. that is not normal, that is not right. and it will not do. that is for sure. time is change and change takes time.

here here

hello hello!

i am in gilbert now since thanksgiving is tomorrow! how exciting? time to eat and eat. although i do not really want to eat anything at all. food just at the moment sounds absolutely disgusting and just thinking about it makes me want to blahhhhhhhhhh.

i am really excited for tomorrow though! i get to drive to sierra vista with my father to see my sister! i am babysitting her chillins! i cannot believe that it is already here! i cannot wait! i know by the end of the week i am going to be exhausted, i probably will not get any of my music learned, but i will be building relationships with my nephews. they are amazing. i love those little gremlins! they always bring a smile to myself, just like cookies. blahhhhhhhhh

being home i can say has its benefits and its negativities. as of right now, i wish i was still in tucson. the feelings i get when i am here. i just cannot deal with them. i feel like a completely different person. people are already fighting with each other! is there no escaping? i have to get out of here for the night. i am leaving tomorrow, but i need to go somewhere now. i love my family with all my heart. i probably need to work on these feelings myself. this is probably all my fault that i feel this way. i wish it was not though. but for me, i need to find a place to get my mind sane.

actually, to be completely honest, for the past couple days i have been feeling, not like myself. i have been having thoughts about, stuff. what is the point of this? why do you even want to do that? this is pathetic. you are pathetic. you will never amount to anything, just like everyone else says. i just want to go clear my head with anything, any substance. i have seriously thought about it. and right now, that is exactly what i am contemplating on doing. going to a place to do something, tame this fire burning and building inside me. i do not know, i cannot focus. and i do not know what to do. i do not want to do that, i do not want to do that. but i want to. what will it gain me? nothing. i will get nowhere by doing it and it will not fix anything. it will honestly just make me feel worse. but for the moment, for those couple hours i will feel....relief?! what else would fix this? maybe a quick and easy disappearing act?

mi meh mah moh moodle

i do not have really anything to say today.
the day has been, mellow. i think i may be catching something. darn.

however, i did see a person today, who was a man, but he looked like a girl. not like that does not happen all the time in todays world, but still. i am not judging but i was a little concerned.

here is a super cool photo i found today. a red panda. i love it! now all he needs to do is learn kung fu and how to make noodles. :)
so i am just sitting at home, watching mona lisa smile. i have been wanting to watch it for sometime now. this is probably going to be the highlight of my day and night. meow.

another day and a monday

it is another day, a monday none the less. the weekend was magical. yes it was. let me say cake balls, i am done with you. literally. i ate them all. tear. the end.
it is good thing it is a short week! i am schuper excited for this weekend. not only is it thanksgiving, eat all you want day, but i also get to babysit my wonderful haymore nephews: hunter, holden, hudson(aka the rat) and hastings (aka bubba beef cakes.) i am so so so so so excited. i have been waiting for this for over a month!

first off, i want to say i am no longer going to use the mortal kombat theme as my alarm in the morning! do not get me wrong; that song is fantastic but maybe not for an alarm clock. i set my alarm with it last night, and when it went off this morning, i jumped 3 inches in the air! i know, a whole 3 inches. i got hops. i almost fell off my bed! my heart was beating so fast. i dropped my phone and and everything was in super speed! i could not focus. i was freaking out! it did do its job very well! it woke me up that is for sure! i got right out of bed. i could not fall back asleep after that scare. my goodness.


at work today, my noodle paradise, my fellow co-worker and i were discussing sports. he said he did not really like nba basketball or nfl football. he said college sports is where it is at. cool. i said i did not really watch college sports because i really enjoy the professionals. he went psycho! he is psycho already, but he started ranting " professional sports have nothing; it is all about college sports". he started asking, no, telling others that college sports were so much better and for them to agree. " dude, i do not care!" oh my gosh! you have your opinion and i have mine. i do not care if college is better or not. i like the professionals. my goodness. you do not need to go freaky bizzerky! how many times do i have to tell you i do not care? you are not going to change my opinion, no matter who will agree with you. people like you are just retarded. and how dare you make me annoyed. how was i supposed to focus on my noodles with him blah blah blahhing? how dare he.

must i mention that i did eat my noodles and they were fantastic. yum. employees are only allowed to take a 1/2 portion of noodles. but sometimes we take full ones when the boss is not around. well, i was starving today and the boss was around. so, being sneaky like i am, ;) , i made myself my noodles, and sneaked it out without her noticing. it was beautiful. it made me lunch so much better. however, i had very little time to eat them since i had to get to choir.

so, i had to scarf down my noodles. they were still delicious. i ate them in the cellar, which is a restaurant in the union. when i was leaving, i had a complete blonde moment! i walked in there, ate my noodles, and went to leave and i just stood there staring at the doors. they are big glass doors that look like windows. there are at least 4 sets of doors. and i just stood there. i had no idea how to get out!!! i walked left to right for 3 minutes trying to figure out how to get out. i came in through those doors too! how pathetic. i did not realize how to leave until i saw someone walk out of them. you must push the doors kendi. push and they will open. haha. nobody saw, except everyone in the restaurant and those outside. it made me laugh.

oh meow. now i am getting ready for the evening.the chargers play the broncos tonight. AHHHHHH!!! 5:30pm at qualcomm stadium. the chargers are my team yall. represent~ i love them. they may be a little disappointing, a lot actually, but i heart them. to show my devotion, when i get the dough, i am buying a legit jersey; my first jersey too! i am going to be a hardcore fan. yes. i am going to the rec center to watch the game while i burn off these pounds. i have come to the realization that i am a carb-o-vore. i know, i know. i love carbs and they love me. breads, sugars, noodles, rice, you name it. i soak them in like water in a sponge. we were made for each other.

go chargers, go noodles, and bear down arizona.
ho finito.

eat to run and dance

oh man! i totally had noodles today!
i satisfied my craving! yes. it was so delicious.
but now i feel gross. i have eaten like crap all week! not to mention i ate ice cream last night and my stomach is going bonkers! so much dairy and sugar..overload! i really need to get to the gym. thanksgiving is next thursday and i need to get ready by shedding some pounds, just so i can gain them back next week. yes. :) i am starting to feel gross, like this guy here. i am realy wanting to go sweat away all my extra poundage.





i believe a good exercise is a healthy one, so i am hoping for a good 2.5hours at the gym. maybe 3 if i am really lucky and i finish my reading early. so today when i am finished,i am hitting the gym. if that does not work out, which it probably will not, i will be going tomorrow morning for sure, nice and early. i am super excited to work out! it usually goes through phases, and my phase to work out is strong right now! i can just feel the pounds multiplying but not anymore. watch out chubs, the burnage is coming on. :)

funny story! i went to the library to read and check out some music. i got a new piece yesterday by chausson, called le charme. it is different, but i am excited to get learning it. i need it memorized by the end of next week. ahhhh! i can do it. no problem. anyways, as i was in the back trying to find the piece, i was listening to my ipod and my hipping hop music was on.
no one was around and i really just felt like dancing! so i started dancing! it was awesome, totally awesome. i was just busting my moves in the rows of books. it really made my day. oh wow. i think i am going to do that more often. bust a move or eight in the library, with only the books as my audience. i got a nice little sweat. i had my jacket and hoodie on and i was just thugging it up. marvelous. simply marvelous. sometimes i just get that urge to just dance and it really was a wonderful 20 minute ordeal. you cannot hold those things in, it is not healthy and simply not human. express how you feel! keeping all that awesome inside yourself, that is just selfish. i needed to share it with the books, maybe i inspired them, to aspire to something higher. they were a great audience too.....awkward......
thank you libraries for being so, dead and full of rows and rows of books! now it is off to my book to finish my reading. tootles and noodles and the end.

noodles, hippos, and feet. amen.

i do not know what it is but i am really craving noodles! i cannot help myself. i work at a noodle place, 3 cheeses and a noodle, monday and wednesdays. due to work yesterday, i have acquired a blister on my finger from the sauce ladle. oucH! it hurts. not only that, but i cannot stop thinking about noodles. i just want to eat eat eat them up up up!

i would absolutely love it if this came out of my noodle pot! although, i want to eat the noodles, and he can snuggle with me on my lap, on the couch and in my bed!

due to my hunger, since i am just on one today, i went up to the library to read, get my mind off food and do my homework, to try and kill two birds with one stone. it did not work since all i have done is look at pasta dishes and photos on google! pathetic.
as i was sitting here though, a girl from school, sun, offered me some of her delicious scrum-diddly-umptious banana nut bread! oh my heavens it was so....fantasmic! i only had a piece, even though she was offering more. i could have eaten the whole loaf! but i restrained myself, my body at least, not my thoughts. they were already digging into the loaf! haha. it was so great to eat something, even though i still feel like i can eat a hippo.

granted, hippos are disgusting looking. i probably should just eat a piggy. they are mighty more tasty; at least i think they are :0 :) i guess i feel more like a hippo: big, robust, chunky, plumpy, huge, big, etc. i feel i can throw my weight around today because goodness yall, i'm huge! i am the plumpiest girl yal's ever seen. :p

did i ever mention how much i dislike shoes? and feet? i guess i just do not like mine. they are so scarred up. and they are that way due to shoes!!! who would have ever thought? shoes are supposed to protect your feet, make them stay pretty. my shoes have only made my feet putrid. i already have 6 new blisters on my feet from my wonderful shoes. ouch. it really hurts to walk. i knew that i should have brought my sandals with me to school, to not walk around in these shoes. darn. not only are they blisters, they are popped blisters! ow ow ow. my shoes are rubbing against bare raw flesh. when choir is over, i am so so so so so taking my shoes off and walking home.in fact, i probably should take them off now. but then everyone will see them and gasp in horror. oh well. i guess we cannot all have happy feet!

i can just say i am happy to know that i am happy. so many things today could have been taken with such a negative manner, but after a fantastic study session last night with the roomies, i believe a positive outlook is a better one. can i just say that i love you girls? and scripture study last night was da-bomb.com. i am so lucky to be in a place where people share the same standards and the way of life. it is one thing to know or believe in something. it is another to practice what you believe. if you do not DO, then what is the point? show what you believe by living what you believe. this can also be looked as: be what you want to be by being what you want to become. AMEN. the end!

i'm ok but i love you

i cannot say that it has been bad nor good. but it sure has not been easy. it is wednesday. i feel as though i have no motivation to do anything. not to mention...if i may so...this is hard. this day has been a challenging day to stay positive. i think i need to eat some chocolate. i cannot seem to get a grip onto what is important right now. and every time i see them, little reminders, i want to cry. do you not just hate it when you realize something and you feel stupid about it, like duh. :) or perhaps it is something you want no one to ever know that you did. but you cannot hide it, no matter how hard you try. the more you try, the more obvious it is. weird how that all plays out.

i got a call from my father this morning. that is never a bad thing! i love my father with all my heart. he just wanted to call to let me know that he was thinking about me, that he was proud of me, and that he loved me. my dad is not much of a talker so it is usually what he says, the norm. i am so thankful for his calls!!! but when he called, i got this feeling and it made my heart sink; as being ashamed to even be called your daughter, you would not love me if........ just all those started to run through my mind, all that goodness. that phone call just started a domino affect of thoughts and i have to admit, i have been deep in thought all day.

it made me remember how much i miss my father and how much i wanted to run into his arms and cry: to feel his love and comforting arms around me.all i want more than anything right now is to just be held. how at that moment i just wanted to fall on the floor and just cry, telling him everything and how sorry i am to be such a disappointment. i express to him that i love him with all my heart and that i am so glad that he is my father and even though i am not with him, that i cannot see him, i know that he is there. sometimes i feel resentment towards him, sometimes i do not want to talk to him or acknowledge his existence, sometimes he just really makes me upset or hurts my feelings. i may not have turned out how he or i intended, i may be stubborn and hard to be around at moments,i know that times change us both everyday, but i know the one thing that will never change is he is my father and i will always love him, no matter how near or far i am. no one will ever take his place in my heart.

fortunes and chocolate

for lunch today i went to pei wei with a friend. i was hesitant on going, only because i did not want to walk there and i just wanted to really be alone. my thoughts, they were just non-stop annoying and pestering. even though i did not want to, i decided to go anyways. lunch was free and i can never turn down great free food!

i am so glad that i went! it was great to eat those noodles. i love noodles. i do not know what it is about pei wei and noodles in general, they are just so heavenly. every time you get asian food you HAVE to get a fortune cookie. they are hand in hand together. i did not choose my cookie. it was waiting on the table when i arrived, thanks to my buddy :) it was a great fortune cookie. it really made me smile. it states:

" your positive attitude this month will improve your present situation."

hahaha. how did this cookie know that? i swear that is why cookies are so amazing. they just know me to the T :) chocolate chip, peanut butter, circus animals, oreos, oatmeal raisin, fortune cookies,etc. all cookies know how to make me feel better. i was so happy to read it! that is big time goal of mine. a positive attitude is a good one to have! amen.

along with a great fortune, i came across an interesting fact about chocolate that made my heart jump for joy. as i was checking my email on msn, there was a story about chocolate. in the story, it states that chocolate:

- it's good for your mood: eating chocolate stimulates the release of mood-affecting chemicals such as endorphins, phenylethylamine and serotonin.

- it actually contains nutrients: the cocoa bean is rich in vitamins B1, B2 and D, as well as the essential minerals magnesium and iron.

hooray! that just makes me so happy. i always saw chocolate as a comfort food and i now know that was a smart idea because not only is it a somewhat healthy choice, it will help me to become happy. i always knew chocolate was like duct tape: it fixes everything! so a special thank you to Sally Wadyka and her article "chocolatology", now available for viewing on msn.

so for the better part of my day, i have learned that a positive attitude is going to help me throughout this month. and a way i can change my attitude to a positive one is through eating chocolate. i really do like this plan. and it shall be put into effect immediately. the end.

happy birthday

i just want to give a shout out to my brother kess. i know that he is no longer with us today, but he once was, and is watching from up above.

today is your birthday! i know it may be a little lame to still celebrate it, but you will always hold a place in my heart. you will always be my brother. and if i want to still celebrate the day you were born on earth, to recognize you as the way things once were, to find joy in you, by golley then i am going to. besides, it is another reason to eat more sugar! :) yum yum.

happy birthday to you brother! i miss you and wish you were still here to celebrate this day with us all...to eat these cookies with me. i hope i do not eat them all. that would be tragic. but what are birthdays for. i eat this cookie for you, so thank you for this day! i love you.
till we meet again......

love your baby sister..forever.

my first step

so this is my first time starting a blog. and i must admit, it has been rather exciting putting it together. i know that i still have a lot to learn about the blogging industry, but i am sure that i can catch on with practice.

i decided to start a blog after 2 of my roommates, who have "inspired me". they both have one and they are super cute! i also decided blogging may be a great way to get my mind of....well my mind! it could be a great way to talk and to express how my thoughts are going; my concerns, my fears, my hopes, my gratitude, everything that runs through my mind! blogging, also known as my online journal to the world!

as my first blog entry, i want to express how much i loved stake conference today. last nights stake conference was...not as awesome as todays was! :)
i was a little hesitant this morning about going; first off, getting up at 9am is unusual for me since i usually get up at 11am on sundays. i totally had to break habit. but s.conference was totally worth it! all four talks served a great purpose, but president monson's talk really was fantastic. they always are! i cannot express how thankful i am for his words. not to mention for those who act and have acted on them already. the whole time i was listening to his talk, i felt complete and heart-felt gratitude for so many people out there in the world and in my life, who have helped others, and myself, in so many ways. these people are amazing people! they are in tune with the spirit and know exactly what to do when they feel it.
there truly are people in this world who know when someone needs something; they can just feel it. some people may not know exactly how to handle it, but they feel it, and they know. i am so thankful for these people! you may not know it, or feel satisfaction, but you have saved so many lives. i know because it has happened for so many people, including myself. my whole entire perception, the whole entire picture of life has been expanded and i cannot ever express how this has made me feel.

it is embarassing to think i could be so selfish as to only focus on myself. but mankind, that is how we react when things do not go the way we plan. i found this out in a way that deeply hurt; the feeling is undescribable, but it was necessary. i cannot stop thinking about what was said and the feeling in that room. i could not be more thankful for anything more right than her and those words. i would never trade this experience. i firmly believe it is going to stay with me forever. when something hurts you, it does not just hurt you, but those around you. i do not see how i could never see this before. maybe it was because no one has ever told me how they were feeling or because i did not see because i did not want to see. i can deal with hurting myself, but i cannot stand even the thought of hurting another human being, intentionally or unintentionally. i know sometimes the truth hurts, and things need to be said. sometimes people need to know what they are doing wrong, even if it does hurt. it hurts me probably just as much as the other person, but when i am the one, the cause of anothers grief or pain, it hurts. and to learn this, to feel the other persons concerns and pain, let me just say i can still feel it and it is not comfortable. those feelings, so strong and clear, i could never deny them. what happened i could never forget, never change, never question. it definately was a life changing moment.

it is hard to believe...that moments in our life have, for the most part, been planned out. and the way they work out is exactly the way they were meant to, whether it was in the way you expect or not. but for God, everything is meant to be. and i am so thankful that i listened to come here, to be here, where i told you both i would be waiting for you, in heaven. and i am so thankful that you both listened and met me here, like we promised. that you did not forget,that you did not reject me or judge me, which would have been so much easier for you i am sure. but you listened and are still listening, and helping me come back to life. i know this is probably the LAST thing you want to be doing, and i do not want to put you through it, but i cannot do this on my own. thank you for agreeing to help me out, in heaven and here, now. More than anything, i am glad you are here. i do not know how much longer i could have held on. i am a fool, but i know you love me for the fool i am.

for once in my life, i can feel it; i can actually feel anothers faith, your faith, in me. i know it is there and i felt it today, during president monson's talk. i can feel it still and i know it is real. you have faith me. you believe in me.i am so thankful to understand.i am thankful for you both, and i am sorry i have caused so much un-ease. but thank you for your words and your faith; for saving my spirit, and my life.