here here

hello hello!

i am in gilbert now since thanksgiving is tomorrow! how exciting? time to eat and eat. although i do not really want to eat anything at all. food just at the moment sounds absolutely disgusting and just thinking about it makes me want to blahhhhhhhhhh.

i am really excited for tomorrow though! i get to drive to sierra vista with my father to see my sister! i am babysitting her chillins! i cannot believe that it is already here! i cannot wait! i know by the end of the week i am going to be exhausted, i probably will not get any of my music learned, but i will be building relationships with my nephews. they are amazing. i love those little gremlins! they always bring a smile to myself, just like cookies. blahhhhhhhhh

being home i can say has its benefits and its negativities. as of right now, i wish i was still in tucson. the feelings i get when i am here. i just cannot deal with them. i feel like a completely different person. people are already fighting with each other! is there no escaping? i have to get out of here for the night. i am leaving tomorrow, but i need to go somewhere now. i love my family with all my heart. i probably need to work on these feelings myself. this is probably all my fault that i feel this way. i wish it was not though. but for me, i need to find a place to get my mind sane.

actually, to be completely honest, for the past couple days i have been feeling, not like myself. i have been having thoughts about, stuff. what is the point of this? why do you even want to do that? this is pathetic. you are pathetic. you will never amount to anything, just like everyone else says. i just want to go clear my head with anything, any substance. i have seriously thought about it. and right now, that is exactly what i am contemplating on doing. going to a place to do something, tame this fire burning and building inside me. i do not know, i cannot focus. and i do not know what to do. i do not want to do that, i do not want to do that. but i want to. what will it gain me? nothing. i will get nowhere by doing it and it will not fix anything. it will honestly just make me feel worse. but for the moment, for those couple hours i will feel....relief?! what else would fix this? maybe a quick and easy disappearing act?