i'm ok but i love you

i cannot say that it has been bad nor good. but it sure has not been easy. it is wednesday. i feel as though i have no motivation to do anything. not to mention...if i may so...this is hard. this day has been a challenging day to stay positive. i think i need to eat some chocolate. i cannot seem to get a grip onto what is important right now. and every time i see them, little reminders, i want to cry. do you not just hate it when you realize something and you feel stupid about it, like duh. :) or perhaps it is something you want no one to ever know that you did. but you cannot hide it, no matter how hard you try. the more you try, the more obvious it is. weird how that all plays out.

i got a call from my father this morning. that is never a bad thing! i love my father with all my heart. he just wanted to call to let me know that he was thinking about me, that he was proud of me, and that he loved me. my dad is not much of a talker so it is usually what he says, the norm. i am so thankful for his calls!!! but when he called, i got this feeling and it made my heart sink; as being ashamed to even be called your daughter, you would not love me if........ just all those started to run through my mind, all that goodness. that phone call just started a domino affect of thoughts and i have to admit, i have been deep in thought all day.

it made me remember how much i miss my father and how much i wanted to run into his arms and cry: to feel his love and comforting arms around me.all i want more than anything right now is to just be held. how at that moment i just wanted to fall on the floor and just cry, telling him everything and how sorry i am to be such a disappointment. i express to him that i love him with all my heart and that i am so glad that he is my father and even though i am not with him, that i cannot see him, i know that he is there. sometimes i feel resentment towards him, sometimes i do not want to talk to him or acknowledge his existence, sometimes he just really makes me upset or hurts my feelings. i may not have turned out how he or i intended, i may be stubborn and hard to be around at moments,i know that times change us both everyday, but i know the one thing that will never change is he is my father and i will always love him, no matter how near or far i am. no one will ever take his place in my heart.