past time

i guess i am relieved to say that i did not do anything i would regret last night!



i actually went to go see the new disney tangled! it was an amazing movie. it is so cute and adorable and hilarious! it was nice to get out of the house and have a laugh. disney does it every time! i absolutely love love LOVE disney movies! i actually made up a christmas list today for my mother and disney movies are on there! i want more so so bad! the number of disney movies i still need in my collection is amazing. i am slacking in that department. but hey everyone, money does not grow on trees. :(

i am sorry to have be such a downer lately. i guess the adversary is really trying to break things apart. and knowing me, like he does ( we have a history), he knows exactly how to do it!
i decided to take a shower when i got home, figuring a hot shower is so soothing and comforting and it helps me to wash away the grim and grime. i sat in the shower for the longest time. the hot water was so relaxing. i love a nice hot shower let me just say that. oh yes.

but i cannot say i am proud of this or that. my mind is not made up. my thoughts are not clear. reassurance is always nice. but what if i do not want to? i honestly just want to give up. i do. more than ever. a couple of weeks ago i hit my breaking point. but i have only inched away from it and a couple inches, that is a start, but they can be subtracted real fast. what if there is no escape from this? i do not want to be reminded, i do not want to think about it, i do not to want to want to do it. i felt my pulse last night, starring at my hand, and then at my reflection. what did i see? my reflection. but nothing more. and then i thought, there is a better way. how many times i just want to, how many times i just think about it, how many hours out of the day i want to forget. everyday being reminded, by those of contact and myself. i read an entry i wrote last week and this is some of what it says:

"... the underlining message behind my actions, i truly believe, is because i suffer from depression. i am not going to lie. it is more relavant than ever and there is no more denying it. i know that it is true. i focus too much on the negative and they can'ts and all that other jazz.....like death. and i cannot lie, i tried. i rreally thought long and hard about it. i could not finish it though. i could not go through with it. i chickened out. but i did it to the point where i was scared that i would die. that scared me. i usually do the things to the point where i scare myself. and i do it every time, to see if i could feel the pain, feel something. but you know what scares me seriously?

i always told myself that no matter how i would be feeling, about this same sex attraction, that i would never act on it, EVER! i can think about it, and try my hardest to get rid of it, and as long as i do not act on it i will be fine. i told myself i would not do it. but guess what? i did... i actually did. that scares me. more in the sense because i tell myself that i will never kill myself or tell myself i will never do things, and eventually, i just will. it will just happen. and by that point, it will be too late. that scares me. i do not trust myself. i am afraid of myself. even now, even now with how much i am trying. i went to the bishops. he knows. he told me to go get some counsling, with the LDS services. i am super nervous, but no matter, i think it probably is wise. i can tell myself all i want that i do not need it, but i need to be smart. this is not normal. i need to seek help. and friends and bishop, they can only do so much. i wish they were all i needed because i love them so much. and i know that they are here for me. and i need them more than ever. but they have their own lives.
i need help. i know i do. i cannot do this by myself. i am not strong enough. i am not! i do not even want to look at myself in the mirror. i do not want to go to school. i have been so negative and depressed for so long that even the thought of being happy is depressing. how pathetic is that? :) i just do not know what is wrong with me, why i am doing this to myself? am i seeking attention? maybe at first, but not anymore. am i trying to proove something? no, actually, nothing at all. i do not get it. maybe i find pleasure in hurting myself. i think maybe that is it the more i think about it. i like to feel the pain. i like the hurt. but that is so messed up. who wants to feel that way? it would make sense though. i am always putting myself in terrible situations. i abuse myself. i think negatively about myself. when i am happy, i feel depressed and when i am depressed i am depressed. i do not understand me? i seriously am a person who thrives off of hurt and pain and grief. wow. i never thought of that. pain..i long for pain. i seek comfort through pain. okay..now i need help..."

so that is part of it. yea. i can say it is true. i wish it was not though. but i need to face the facts. i feel the more i try, the worse i feel. well, the more i want to just quit trying, if that makes any sense. i am trying. i am trying. but i am losing the faith in myself, which for me is quite easy to loose, especially where i am at. it hurts when the ones you love, the ones you seek comfort and love from hurt you more than anyone else can. i feel..awful when i come here. that is not normal, that is not right. and it will not do. that is for sure. time is change and change takes time.