a flower of warmth

i am sitting here in my bedroom, thinking how amazing it would to receive some flowers. i know i am allergic to most flower pollen(allergies...yes!!!) but i do not care. i would just cry if i received some tulips or star-gazer lilies, they are my favorite flowers. Tulips are however my favorite flower.How awesome would it be to go to a tulip field? like in the Netherlands??? this is absolutely gorgeous and i would LOVE to visit a place like this. it is a dream of mine, one of my top places to visit in the world, along with the vineyards of France. :) i seriously would cry if i received some tulips. a bouqeut of tulips...or even a single tulip would be so heart warming and i would feel so loved. it is hard for to feel that way right now, which probably could explain my weird thoughts of wanting flowers...or even a hug...or just someone to hold me while i cried...just someone to talk to :/


did you know::: Tulips are symbolic of fame and perfect love. The symbolic meanings also change with the color of the tulips.

Red tulips mean "believe me" and are a declaration of true love.
Variegated tulips mean "you have beautiful eyes."
Yellow tulips mean "there's sunshine in your smile" and cheerful thoughts. Cream colored tulips mean "I will love you forever." White tulips symbolize heaven, newness and purity. Purple tulips symbolize royalty. Pink tulips mean affection and caring. Orange tulips mean energy, enthusiasm, desire, and passion.

i would just love some tulips right now. i really need to smile. i have been under the weather since saturday night. it does not make it any better that my mind will not SHUT UP!! i wish i could be a vegetable for a couple days...a mental vegetable that is. :) to not think about anything, to not feel anything, it would be grand :) but i have a huge headache, and my stomach is twisting in knots. and i just want flowers!!!! i tried to work out earlier, since that really helps me to feel better, but it only made things worse. i think i am killing myself, making myself sick. i am so beat up and tired, mentally sick that my physical body is reacting to it. and honestly, i think i am going to be sick for a while because i am just going to give in to it. i am not going to go to school tomorrow, even though it is halloween. i will go to work though. if i am not throwing up or anything. besides, those gals make me smile so it might do me some good.

tulips bloom at the beginning of spring, so they are symbols of a new beginning. it is funny because the tulip is the most loved flower on the earth. and when people think of the tulip, they associate it with comfort and coziness. i think this is why i love the tulip so much. it makes me feel comfort, warmth, love. whenever i see tulips i just light up. perhap this is why i would love some right now.

work out

so i am officially in love with working out. i just did 2 hours at the rec center. i have missed it so. it was great to sweat and get out some frustration. i really need that in my life right now. i cannot believe i have gone as long as i have with out it! that was a big mistake and i will not do that again!! :) it is amazing how much better i feel. it is AMAZING! :D

i dont mind the weather
i've got scarfs and caps and sweaters
i've got long johns under slacks blustery days

i think that its brainless to assume
that making changes to your windows view
will give a new perspective

and the hardest part is yet to come

i don't mind restrictions
or if you're blacking out the friction
it's just an escape it's overrated anyways

the hardest part is yet to come
when you will cross the country alone.

great

f&#% this. forget everything that i typed earlier. i am done. i am DONE i am telling you. there is nothing more disturbing than knowing that you completely are living proof of disaster. no one to turn to..no one to talk to...no one who understands you. i am a walking time bomb i am going to admit it. after tonight, i cannot handle it. i cannot look at myself in a respectful manner. i have come to the conclusion that i am lost and i shall forever remain that way. i am not as strong as i should be....i am very weak. i am a weak person and i cannot handle it. i cannot handle the pressure. i cannot handle the diversity.i cannot handle ME! i used to be comfortable with me....but i can see how ME is a big no no and everything about me is a disaster. i need to get away from everyone....from everything. i try to hard to fit in instead of just being me.

i try to be someone i am not. i do not see what is the problem. why me? why can i not just be happy for once in my god damn life? what is the fucking problem!?!?!? i am tired of fake. i want the REAL.

one thing is real. and i am not proud of it.....but the sharp edge brings back the sense that pain is real and i can feel....i can still feel pain......

say it again

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~

people suck and it is affirmed. i burnt my whole left hand today while cleaning the grill and i think i may scream. my hand is in so much pain. it really put me in a bummed out mood at work today. i feel bad for my co-workers. my hand hurts so bad. i seriously have huge blisters all over it! it looks like i have leporasy! haha. funny. i need to put some ointment on it. sheesha.
played volleyball tonight and it was SICK! i love volleyball. it was a grand ole time indeed. now i have to go to bed to get up in the morning to FINALLY work out. i am going to do it...i have to do it tomorrow morning or i may freak out. :D

i am just going to end with these lyrics from Chiddy Bang::

Eh, check the plans out
We work hard
I ain't asking for a handout
If I hit the booth I don't have to pass them grams out
And beat her well when the other thoughts ran out
They say they lost words
I got them puzzled like the cross-word
Harvard
I'm nuts, George Washington Carver
But you can never pay a boss peanuts
If it gets messy be prepared for the cleanup
But this thing called success is so strange
Because you can get notoriety and still ride the train
Make it in it's entirety and search for the fame
But I'm still Michael Phelps swimmin' in my lane
Where's Lois?
Me, I'm Superman,I'm just here to save the day
Or at least I thought I was
Til I flew in the save her
And met my opponent
I'm fighting with myself
Don't offer the condolence
I'm Dreamin


We Chasin' the dream
So what is life the diamonds and the gleam
Get a job while I'm doing it
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it
And things ain't what it seem
Make money to spend it
I got my scheme
Work hard while we doin' it
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it

It too haunting
The task is daunting
Trying to get the labels on board while flaunting
But, let's make some music make some money
Get the rides
European ties, have models for wives
Sometimes I feel fated to pretend
Unsafe 'cause my crib is far from gated in
I'm a relic believe slightly the psychedelic
If I could take off would you consider me angelic
Hysteric
I'm the subject and the predicate
They hatin' on me tell me wheres the etiquette
If you Goliath, I don't have to prove I'm better than
I play David, I'm a forth year letter man
So Let em' in, can you hear me knocking on the door
Hard to breathe at this altitude where the oxygen is poor
Think Benz, I don't know what Pontiac means
And this is what happens when an insomniac dreams


We Chasin' the dream
So what is life the diamonds and the gleam
Get a job while I'm doing
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it
And things ain't what it seem
Make money to spend it
I got my scheme
Work hard while we doin' it
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it

to be clear

Do you know how hard it is to type on an ipod during work?! SUPER HARD!
i just read over my post and there are so many mistakes! haha. i think it is really funny though. i love how the spell check just picked random words that it THOUGHT i was typing. what is a "nit"? no clue :)

i just wanted to add on to my last post. i was at work so i had to work so my post was short. i wanted to clarify some things.

FIRST::: i am a totaly flirt and i know that. :) but i do not do that intentionally. it seems i only hear that from women. guys never seem to notice.....?? i am just accepting of everyone and i love everyone. i treat everyone equal. that is just my personality. if that is called "flirting" well then so be it! i embrace it haha.

i have come to the conclusion, i have PROBLEMS! hahaha thank you thank you it is confirmed. Kendi van de graaff is not perfect and i lOVES IT! i think i have figured out why i am so happy this year? i think it has to do with the fact that i have finally accepted who i am. i am not trying to be somebody i am not. i am not hiding anything or being secretive. i am 100% open and blunt about my life and i have come to terms and peace with a lot of my past. i have nothing to be ashamed of and i embrace who i am. i love who i am! it is a breath of fresh air to be...ME! not the person everyone wants me to be...i am who i am! it is not necessarily the ideal person, the person i ever saw myself being, but it is me! I have accepted it. it is a great feeling. if people do not like it, well, that is there problem not mine. i do not need to worry myself with what people think. it is none of my business anyways. haha. right. meow.

Thank you thank you to the wonderful Eminem! i am listening to him right and it always opens my mind when i listen to him. Weird i know, but his music reminds me so much of my brother who passed away. he is the one who introduced me and my family pretty much to Eminem. I have been listening to him since he first came out..i was so little and young. goodness gracious. :) what wonderful things i was exposed to at such a young age haha. so SOOOOO many things it is hard to believe. that could explain so many things of how i am the way i am. hahaha so many things.

anyways, i need to get to bed and wake up early tomorrow morning. i tried doing my homework, but the music library closed at 10 and my computer does not allow the video lecture to play. my computer HATES me. so i need to go to the school early and get it done before 930am. yay for me and my week that has NOT AT ALL been very relaxing. i still have not had any sleep and calmed down and relaxed from my rought last 2 weeks and traveling. my goodness, i need to sleep and recooperate! when shall this happen?!?!?!?! ZZZzzZZzzZZZzzzZzzZzzzzzzzz JUST LOSE IT!

Work progress

is it strange? It is for me. Choir tour was absolutely outstanding!!!!! I had so much fun it is incredible. I know before tour I did not even want to go. I was nit excited to spend time witha bunch of choir kids!! But they all are nit just choir kids. These are musicians who actually want to e in choir!!! It was so much fun. I cannot say how happy I am that I went on tour! It was an amazing experience and making the level of music with all those in choir was wow. I got to know each person in that choir more than i would have in class. They are really a good group of people andso much fun to be around. I am so glad I am in symphonic this year!!!!!! It has been the best year of choir I think I have ever had in te history of choir!!!!! This year just in general has been a great one. I am not sure why but it has been!!! I have been so happy and BUSY! Fall semesters ar the worst semesters for me. They are long and they just drag on and on and in. And I am always so exhausted and depressed it seems. But not this semester. I have been so happy and the semester has gone by so fast!! It will November before I know it!!!! And kamas will be getting married! Krazy eerybody krazy! I need to still find someone to go to the wedding with me. I still have a month but still. I also need to loseore weight. I am craving a hard core work out and sweat fest. Bring it in baby!!!

MET DAY!

Today was a FANTASTIC DAY!!! Oh my goodness I cannot remember a day when I was just completely happy?!! It has been so long!!!!!! TOday was so amazing I am so happy.!

So this week has been so crazy. 5 midterms, 2 papers due, work, and getting ready for the MET auditions. Things have been so stressful. But I got through it! I only failed 1 midterm....52%. Not that bad...:/
But today was the MET auditions. I was so discouraged last week because I did absolutely awful in Master class and my recording session. I wanted to not do these auditions and I had my heart set on stopping. But I had this feeling that I should just do it. SOooooo I did it! And it was amazing let me tell you! Yesterday, I sang in my master class. I wore the dress I was thinking about wearing for the audition and my professor...the first thing she said when I stood up to sing was " i am not a fan of the orange ddress. You aint wearin' those shoes are ya?" WHAT! she absolutely loved my dress last year for a competition. She said it looked so good on stage. But of course I did not wear it today. Haha I had a blue dress I wore instead. It was more flowing anyways :)
I was going to start my audition with AH! Je Veux Vivre from Romeo et Juliette by Gounod, but my professor thought that was a bad idea. SO instead I started with Prendi per me sei libero from L'Elisir d'amore by Donizetti.

It was smashing!! I felt so good after I got off stage. I have no regrets!! I did not win, I knew that I wouldn't I am not that impressive compared to everyone else. HELLO?!?!?! I was competing against people 20-30. There was no way. haha. But it was still so much fun! I came home Friday night with my friend Diana Olivares. She is my studio class. We stayed at my place and just relaxed last night and this morning. It was super chill and really good to be home. THis is us in the car on our way to the audition!!!

Do we not look so hot?!?! It was so great to travel with her. We had a good time. She is super nice.

I have no regrets about my performance. I felt strong about everything and I was so happy and I had a great time. I was not sure which aria I wanted to start with. It would either be the Prendi, or Steal Me Sweet Thief from the OLd Maid and the Theif by Menotti. I have more experience with Steal Me. I have performed it in the Quest for the Best competition. It sits really good in my voice too. I can really act it out pretty well. But this morning I decided to do Prendi. I just felt like I should sing that one. ANd I did. It really showed off my voice I think. I know there are still a lot of things that could be better, but where I am right now in my performing and studies, I thought I did really good. I have IMPROVED by a butt load this semester. That is only 2 months! I have improved more in these past 2 months than I have ever over the past 2 years at the UA.

I got to meet with one of the judges after the performance and it was incredible. He said I was so young for the repetoire that I am singing. He said it was impressive. He also said that I had a beautiful voice. So young! haha. He asked me if I was into musical theatre and I said yes! I actually wanted to do musical theatre before Opera. He told me he does musical theatre over the summer and there are numerous roles he would cast me in RIGHT NOW! Incredible. When i first walked into the room, he said he remembered me. I was his MAYBE choice for a winner! Can you believe it?!?! A maybe!!!! Icould have won!! hahaha. at least in his opinion I do not know about the other judges haha. He said I just did not have that one thing that made me super unique, that would put me over the top of all the other singers. I am young and I can figure that out. But he did love my voice and told me to keep up the good work. Also, he knows that I am focusing on technique, but once I learn that completely, i should focus on communicating because he said I am a great communicator, which is why he thinks I would do great in music theater. To be a great performer, there are 3 things i must be able to do; sing, move, and communicate. :) How awesome. Movement, vocals and communication. He said i should master all these elements and I will be set! He said the one thing I want you to take from this interview is Communication. And that is what I did! I know that I can communicate so much better, i just get so worried about the technique. But I am still young, he kept saying that. hahaha. I am 22!!!! :) I have so much time to get so much better and I cannot wait to get there! I am on my way!!

The next competition, WATCH OUT!! I am going to blow the fish out of the water! It was been nothing but a marvelous day. I got to sing, perform, meet a PROFESSIONAL MET singer, spend time with the family, it has just been marvelous. Now I am going to see MONEYBALL with the mother. What a great way to end the day. I know this...I am going to sleep great tonight :)

what a week!

WOW!!! This week has been so crazy! Not just this week but last week as well! I have nothing but school and work and school and work! I have tests one right after the other. In fact, this week I have to write 2 papers, memorize 50 or so different terms, and study for two midterms! And on top of that I have the MET Opera Auditions on Saturday!!!!! Oh my goodness it is all happening so fast! I am so going to relax when this week is over since I have technically not had a break since conference weekend...sort of. A PARTAY is definitely in order. I guess you can say I already had one really on Friday.....sort of. I went out with some people and it was fun. Not necessarily my regular group of people?! What am I saying? I do not have a group! hahaha. how crazy I am trying to diversify myself. Share myself with others :)

But man oh man, I am suffering from BEK this week. Nobody ever will understand or know the meaning behind BEK. It is plain and simple and if people knew me as a person, they would understand the abbreviation. But no one really pays that much attention to my life haha and how can they? I do not blame them. This is something I struggle with. And BEK is not helping! I cannot get it off of my mind. I wish that things would just happen. Either that or I just need to stop thinking about it. But how can I? It is probably the hardest thing to do, especially since it is a daily, hourly, second by second though process. It is always on my mind. the mind really is one of the hardest things to control. This I believe more and more everyday. Learning to control the mind, and thoughts is painful and quite the struggle. You all think quitting smoking is hard? Well, that is a mind game people. EVERYTHING is done with the mind. It is the center of our whole being. We cannot be without it.

Anywho, maybe something WILL happen, for the better and good of the situation. But knowing the true reality of BEK, it never will. Never B, never E, never K....never ever! Another reason I need to completely shake it from my mind. I need to focus on more important things, better things, productive things at that. I just hope...more like I plead that something will become of this syndrome. yes, my BEK is a problem I have properly diagnosed and there is no prescription or antidote to cure it. HaHaHa. except time....and patience?! All good things come in time to those who wait.

Can I just say how amazing conference was? holy WOW! I completely needed that in my life. it felt so good to hear the words of the prophets on the earth. Their counsel was amazing. I have come to find the older I get, the more I crave and need conference in my life. It is a craving that needs filled too! it is no longer a torture to sit through! I enjoi it breathlessly. I loved President uchtdorf's talk in Womens Conference...Forget Not. I have never heard something more sincere, heartfelt, and pure. I have already given that talk to a friend of mine who is not of my faith and she loved it. I gave her a copy and I hope it changed her perspective on her hard times. Slowly she is accepting me for my religion. The only really around who gets it....and that in itself is a funny story. She is a great gal and has so much potential in this world. I wish she saw how great she is and how wonderful she is. Seriously, it is disappointing in a ways and yet, hard to watch. She has no pride in who she is. I know pride can be bad, but she does not even care. She does not even try. She needs a friend and I am there for her, but it can only be for an xtent. My friendship cannot go farther, and I have a feeling she is feeling it should. NOOOOOO!!!!! :) She knows my thoughts though so that is good. Friends we are and only friends we shall stay. I pray for her and I am always inviting the spirit to enter her life, giving her talks and advice I get in church and from the prophets. In fact, I have been trying to study more and understand more so I can better serve her. Sure my habits and struggles are still struggles, but I know I have a testimony of this gospel and I know for a surety....having thought long and hard about the gospel and its affects in my life...that I would die for this gospel. There is no doubt in my mind that I would not stand up for it at any moment. I would never deny the presence of Christ in my life and in this world. I would never deny the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, never deny there is a God for I have witnessed his hand in my life. I know I do not follow his words..i have my doubts but I know HE is there and watches over me. HE loves me and will never abandon me no matter what I do. I know this for a surety. I am a good person who just makes stupid decisions. This does not make me a bad person. I am so thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the comfort and warmth I feel from it. I would die any day for this gospel.

It is weird to think whenever people find out i am LDS, they freak out. They cannot believe that I am. I have to admit I understand why. I am not exactly the best example. But see my point of view. People have this view of Mormons being snotty, stubborn, better than everybody, holier than everyone, perfect people. We are not and never will be. We are normal people who try to live our lives the best that we can. When people find I am LDS, they do not see how I can seeing as though I go out, I go to parties, I drink, I smoke every now and then, and other things.....I tell them I am a Mormon. I love my faith and I would never deny it. Some find it hard to believe since I live a life of sin. You know, this gets to me. I am not representing my faith or my church. Nor am I representing the life of Christ and his light in the world. Or am I? I do not believe I am necessarily putting shame to this gospel. I may not be a great representation, but I am not a bad one either. I know I need to change my life and change my ways. but for other reasons that I still am working out with myself. I do not go looking for ways to talk to people about the gospel. THey bring it up themselves. I am able to talk about the church and my religion and my views and aspects and my experiences. I am not a perfect person. I believe I am showing people that not everyone is perfect. LDS people are not perfect! We all have our problems and our struggles in life. I also tell them there are those in every religion though....some who do not "follow the rules". Now, i am not saying I am proud of the way these things unfold, but at the same time, some people walk away having a greater respect and understanding of MORMONISM for to say. I think I am getting a head of myself, and this is probably really confusing to understand, but I understand my point. I am a mormon. I am proud to say it and I always will be. You will never see my hesitate when asked what my religion is. And I am proud of that. If you want to judge me, you can, but i know that it will never matter because only God can judge me. I know I have things to change, and things to work out, and I am not in any way trying to say that by being a "rebel" is a good way to talk about the church. Not at all. I am not saying that I am glad I do what I do either. I am saying I am Human. And if I am able to relate to people through my experiences and it is able to give them an understanding of the church and they accept it and learn about it, I am not necessarily going to deny that privilage. I am thankful for my trials, I am thankful for my imperfections because they make me a stronger person and they have made me who I am today. I am grateful and thankful for it all. No regrets. If I could go back in time and change anything, I would not. I would not be the person I am without these trials. What I need to do is learn from them, take the bad with the good and know what I can do better. Every experience has a lesson to be learned. It is up to US to figure it out and take it with us into our everyday lives and even share it with those around us. That is something I am so thankful to do. I would not be able to talk to a lot of people about the church if I was not able to relate to them in their current lives. Through my imperfections and experiences I am able to relate and draw people to the light for the see me as someone they can trust, someone who knows the hardships and the difficulties they face. But I can also be a lighthouse for them to come to the light, that there is something better out there and they can be apart of it. I know this is what I can be, and I know I can help them find their way back to something greater :)