what a week!

WOW!!! This week has been so crazy! Not just this week but last week as well! I have nothing but school and work and school and work! I have tests one right after the other. In fact, this week I have to write 2 papers, memorize 50 or so different terms, and study for two midterms! And on top of that I have the MET Opera Auditions on Saturday!!!!! Oh my goodness it is all happening so fast! I am so going to relax when this week is over since I have technically not had a break since conference weekend...sort of. A PARTAY is definitely in order. I guess you can say I already had one really on Friday.....sort of. I went out with some people and it was fun. Not necessarily my regular group of people?! What am I saying? I do not have a group! hahaha. how crazy I am trying to diversify myself. Share myself with others :)

But man oh man, I am suffering from BEK this week. Nobody ever will understand or know the meaning behind BEK. It is plain and simple and if people knew me as a person, they would understand the abbreviation. But no one really pays that much attention to my life haha and how can they? I do not blame them. This is something I struggle with. And BEK is not helping! I cannot get it off of my mind. I wish that things would just happen. Either that or I just need to stop thinking about it. But how can I? It is probably the hardest thing to do, especially since it is a daily, hourly, second by second though process. It is always on my mind. the mind really is one of the hardest things to control. This I believe more and more everyday. Learning to control the mind, and thoughts is painful and quite the struggle. You all think quitting smoking is hard? Well, that is a mind game people. EVERYTHING is done with the mind. It is the center of our whole being. We cannot be without it.

Anywho, maybe something WILL happen, for the better and good of the situation. But knowing the true reality of BEK, it never will. Never B, never E, never K....never ever! Another reason I need to completely shake it from my mind. I need to focus on more important things, better things, productive things at that. I just hope...more like I plead that something will become of this syndrome. yes, my BEK is a problem I have properly diagnosed and there is no prescription or antidote to cure it. HaHaHa. except time....and patience?! All good things come in time to those who wait.

Can I just say how amazing conference was? holy WOW! I completely needed that in my life. it felt so good to hear the words of the prophets on the earth. Their counsel was amazing. I have come to find the older I get, the more I crave and need conference in my life. It is a craving that needs filled too! it is no longer a torture to sit through! I enjoi it breathlessly. I loved President uchtdorf's talk in Womens Conference...Forget Not. I have never heard something more sincere, heartfelt, and pure. I have already given that talk to a friend of mine who is not of my faith and she loved it. I gave her a copy and I hope it changed her perspective on her hard times. Slowly she is accepting me for my religion. The only really around who gets it....and that in itself is a funny story. She is a great gal and has so much potential in this world. I wish she saw how great she is and how wonderful she is. Seriously, it is disappointing in a ways and yet, hard to watch. She has no pride in who she is. I know pride can be bad, but she does not even care. She does not even try. She needs a friend and I am there for her, but it can only be for an xtent. My friendship cannot go farther, and I have a feeling she is feeling it should. NOOOOOO!!!!! :) She knows my thoughts though so that is good. Friends we are and only friends we shall stay. I pray for her and I am always inviting the spirit to enter her life, giving her talks and advice I get in church and from the prophets. In fact, I have been trying to study more and understand more so I can better serve her. Sure my habits and struggles are still struggles, but I know I have a testimony of this gospel and I know for a surety....having thought long and hard about the gospel and its affects in my life...that I would die for this gospel. There is no doubt in my mind that I would not stand up for it at any moment. I would never deny the presence of Christ in my life and in this world. I would never deny the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, never deny there is a God for I have witnessed his hand in my life. I know I do not follow his words..i have my doubts but I know HE is there and watches over me. HE loves me and will never abandon me no matter what I do. I know this for a surety. I am a good person who just makes stupid decisions. This does not make me a bad person. I am so thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the comfort and warmth I feel from it. I would die any day for this gospel.

It is weird to think whenever people find out i am LDS, they freak out. They cannot believe that I am. I have to admit I understand why. I am not exactly the best example. But see my point of view. People have this view of Mormons being snotty, stubborn, better than everybody, holier than everyone, perfect people. We are not and never will be. We are normal people who try to live our lives the best that we can. When people find I am LDS, they do not see how I can seeing as though I go out, I go to parties, I drink, I smoke every now and then, and other things.....I tell them I am a Mormon. I love my faith and I would never deny it. Some find it hard to believe since I live a life of sin. You know, this gets to me. I am not representing my faith or my church. Nor am I representing the life of Christ and his light in the world. Or am I? I do not believe I am necessarily putting shame to this gospel. I may not be a great representation, but I am not a bad one either. I know I need to change my life and change my ways. but for other reasons that I still am working out with myself. I do not go looking for ways to talk to people about the gospel. THey bring it up themselves. I am able to talk about the church and my religion and my views and aspects and my experiences. I am not a perfect person. I believe I am showing people that not everyone is perfect. LDS people are not perfect! We all have our problems and our struggles in life. I also tell them there are those in every religion though....some who do not "follow the rules". Now, i am not saying I am proud of the way these things unfold, but at the same time, some people walk away having a greater respect and understanding of MORMONISM for to say. I think I am getting a head of myself, and this is probably really confusing to understand, but I understand my point. I am a mormon. I am proud to say it and I always will be. You will never see my hesitate when asked what my religion is. And I am proud of that. If you want to judge me, you can, but i know that it will never matter because only God can judge me. I know I have things to change, and things to work out, and I am not in any way trying to say that by being a "rebel" is a good way to talk about the church. Not at all. I am not saying that I am glad I do what I do either. I am saying I am Human. And if I am able to relate to people through my experiences and it is able to give them an understanding of the church and they accept it and learn about it, I am not necessarily going to deny that privilage. I am thankful for my trials, I am thankful for my imperfections because they make me a stronger person and they have made me who I am today. I am grateful and thankful for it all. No regrets. If I could go back in time and change anything, I would not. I would not be the person I am without these trials. What I need to do is learn from them, take the bad with the good and know what I can do better. Every experience has a lesson to be learned. It is up to US to figure it out and take it with us into our everyday lives and even share it with those around us. That is something I am so thankful to do. I would not be able to talk to a lot of people about the church if I was not able to relate to them in their current lives. Through my imperfections and experiences I am able to relate and draw people to the light for the see me as someone they can trust, someone who knows the hardships and the difficulties they face. But I can also be a lighthouse for them to come to the light, that there is something better out there and they can be apart of it. I know this is what I can be, and I know I can help them find their way back to something greater :)