seriously

i recently had a conversation about the song 'pumped up kicks' by foster the people. well, i guess i was not really in the conversation. i had nothing to say except that i love the song and i do not care what it is about. i like it!

however, it was said that it is a terrible song, one that should not be played on the radio. how can they even get away with playing it on the radio especially with all the school shootings that go on?! there are so many reasons, i mean this is the 20th century honey. and why can people have sex scenes in pg-13 movies, actually NUDITY and all, why can they say FCKU in songs and it is okay, why can people wear shorts that show their asses, why would people promote abortion, why would people allow marijunana, why would they allow tv shows that encourage sex befor marriage, gambling, killing, revenge, dishonesty, do drugs, do whatever you want without consequence?! HELLO! that is the way of the world so of course it is going to be okay. haha i had no idea the song was about a school shooting, but that does not change my opinion. i like it still. but that is my opinion. their opinions were it is a song that makes them angry, gives them bad feelings, it is a twisted song. even the name of the band is twisted. hahaha seriously? but i just thought the whole conversation was funny. i had to share! there are so many other things to be worried or frustrated about, things that really need to be changed and she is worried about this song being played on the radio. hahahaha

i had another interesting conversation. this one happened a ways back and yesterday. my mother once gave me a talk about no matter where i go, i will have the experiences i need to have. it does not matter if i went to UofA or if I went to Utah, i would still face the same difficulties i am facing today. and after yesterday, i believe that really is the case. i was going to go to school in logan, utah at the USU. i was really wanting to go there. the feelings i had there were just amazing and i loved the city, the campus, everything was so powerful. i got accepted and everything!!! however, i did not receive a scholarship so i decided to go to UA. ( i do regret this decision now by the way ) i have faced quite a bit of things, one in particular realizing something i have always kind of really known, i am attracted to females. i really have been for a long time but i never have done anything about it. Anyways, yesterday i found out that Logan is a very liberal place and is home to a huge community of lesbian women. huh....i would have faced the same thing there as here!!! hilarious!!! :) it actually could have been a lot worse in logan. or better....more oppurtunities that is for sure!! haha. i just thought it was so interesting that my mother, a very spiritual woman she is, was right again. no matter where you are or where you go, you can never run from your problems or think things will be better. you will go through whatever you are meant to go through. you cannot run from your future....does that make sense? IT DOES TO ME! it has helped me realize that no matter where i go, i will still be the same. i will learn what i need to learn despite my location. i find that so interesting now.

not as easy as an easy bake oven

change is harder than it people say it is. it is no easy switch. and ladies and gentlemen this is probably the hardest thing to do. i know i need to change, but i never thought it would be so hard. and the support system is not as great as i had hoped. i am not strong enough to change on my own, and after tonight...the one person who you thought could talk you out of something ignores you....but it is not your fault and it probably was unintentional. i set myself up for it from the beginning. i knew i was in trouble from the get go, but i needed that support. and you ignored me. it is not your fault. i know this. it is my own. but thank you for being there for me when i needed you the most. it really means a lot to me....:/

weird. my neighbor is screaming to get the F$*&% out of the apartment complex. " you have 30 seconds to F-ing walk away!!!!" wow. somebody is angry and not in a good mood. i would go outside but i have a feeling i might get shot. or yelled at. eeekk. they need to keep their voices down. people are trying to sleep. :) haha. jk but seriously. the poor noisy children who live next door may wake up!!

i wish there was someone i could talk to..someone who understood what i am going through. no one truly understands. hell, i do not even understand what is going on. all i know is i want to change but i am not strong enough to do it. obviously. :/

Dear God, hear my prayer, I am tired of living a lie and being somebody I am not. I am sorry for the person I have become and for the life I am living. I never thought things would come to this, that I would feel the way I do, that I would be so blind to the truth. I have blinded myself with the ways of the world, the way they want you to believe the only to be happy is. I know what true happiness feels like, and how to obtain it. I do not know why I rebel so much. I cannot help the way I feel. It seems one small decision leads to a life of failure. I know I was not created to be a failure. I am a daughter of God and I know I have a purpose on this Earth. That I was created for a reason, I have a mission, and right now I have not been living my life to the standard I know I should be living. I can do so much better, I was created for good, not evil. But why do I feel this way? Why must I try to fit in when I was born to stand out, even though I do not want to stand out, but just be me. I want to love everyone, I want to be loved by everyone. I just have lost my boundary. I have lost the line of how to love without "loving". I have lost the ability to say " NO " and how to be what you created me to be: an instrument in thy hand. I feel more as a chizzle, chipping and breaking something powerful into small and insignificant pieces, useless and un-retainable and un-constructable. I am a daughter of thee, and I am a good person...although at this moment I do not feel as one. I feel lost and unsure and scared of what is to become of me.I am afraid to do what I know is right for my pride and stubborness is getting in the way. For what I want and what I know to be right are not the same thing, completely different in a ways. I know what I must do, but I am afraid to make the change and the journey. I am afraid I will not be able to handle it. For I have tried before, and I have failed, too easily in fact. The advisary knows me better than I know myself. I have no faith in myself, no conviction. All I have is a prayer. A prayer in my heart that I know I can do better, and I want to. I however am having a hard time believing in myself, as well as in thy power and thy love. I know everything happens for a reason...I just do not see how this works. This suffereing is non-stop. Just when I think I have moved on, it returns. It is like I create it for myself. I thrive off of pain, I self inflict and I know it. I know you are listening, and I do not want to do anything stupid. Help me believe in myself. Help me love my neighbors and help me love myself. Bless those you have put into my life and help them become strong.
Help me to love those who hurt me. They do not do it intentionally. Bless my family and bless my friends. Thank you for this life and the wonderfull things I have in my life. Thank you for my schooling, my job, my family, my health, my friends, and my love for thee. Help me to be a better example and follower of thee and thy gospel. Help me to love those around me and forgive 70X7. Forgive our trespasses and bless our hearts and minds.

the little things

halloween day:

my mother and both my grandmothers came to tucson to surprise me!! and believe me it was a HUGE surprise! there was nothing else that could have made me so happy...except one thing. my mother bought me white tulips. can you believe it? she does not read my blog!!!! it was an answer to a prayer. she said she woke up that morning and thought i need to go see kendi today. i could not believe it. my mother is so in tune with the spirit. i am so thankful for her. i love her so much. i literally wanted to cry all day after my grandmothers and her left.

i also got to see my sister, brother in law and 3 of my nephews. it was incredible! it really was a great halloween. i could not have asked for anything more spectacular. i got to spend it with my family and that was fantastic. PLUS i got my tulips and i am looking at them right now. they are absolutely B-E-A-utiful. i just LOVE LOVE LOVE tulips. hehehehe.

i worked out tonight and then i took a really hot steaming shower. it was magic. i am telling you it was MAGIC!! my whole body feels so relaxed and flimsy. i know that i am going to sleep fantastic tonight i cannot wait. i have to get up really early because i have a music history listening exam tomorrow and needless to say, i have not studied AT ALL for it. so i am going to do it tomorrow morning. Hooray! does not really matter if i study or not because i never do good on them anyways. and that is the truth ladies and gentlemen. i never get over a 7 on the quizes. Schweet!

i have reunited so to speak with a coworker of mine and i have to admit i am SO thankful that things are cool between us. yesterday she came and gave me a hug, which is rare in the first place, and i just wanted to cry. first my mother came to town with tulips, and then i had my friend be my friend again with a hug. i was so toouched!!! i never meant to hurt her or anything, that was never my intention, but she was hurt and i felt awful. me as a person i like to talk about things and get it off my chest right away, but i could not pull myself to do it. she was so mad at me and i reacted not as i should have. i should have been positive about the whole thing, but then so many other people started creating drama in my life. or i can say i created drama in my life. it was just one big mess, with people being mad at me at school, church, and work.....the one place i have to get away from the hellish life of my brain, my life, school, and people. work sad to say is like my sanctuary and i am so thankful to have a job with people who are just amazing. i love everyone i work with and i have nothing negative to say about any of them...honestly. like people, i get annoyed and sometimes just want to be away for a tiny bit, but i love them all and they are really good people. i am truly blessed and i honestly thank god all the time for putting them into my life. i am just so thankful we are friends again. not to say we ever weren't, things were just not the same. she is a great gal. she has a good heart and is so funny i cannot believe it. not to sound creepish but there are just some people in this world that things just hit off right away. you get along immediately. she was one of those people for me. my other coworkers it took awhile for us to get close, but her and i just hit it off. nice. maybe it is because she likes to make fun of me hahahaha. anyways, good to have work life back on my side again!!!

it has been a good day.