not as easy as an easy bake oven

change is harder than it people say it is. it is no easy switch. and ladies and gentlemen this is probably the hardest thing to do. i know i need to change, but i never thought it would be so hard. and the support system is not as great as i had hoped. i am not strong enough to change on my own, and after tonight...the one person who you thought could talk you out of something ignores you....but it is not your fault and it probably was unintentional. i set myself up for it from the beginning. i knew i was in trouble from the get go, but i needed that support. and you ignored me. it is not your fault. i know this. it is my own. but thank you for being there for me when i needed you the most. it really means a lot to me....:/

weird. my neighbor is screaming to get the F$*&% out of the apartment complex. " you have 30 seconds to F-ing walk away!!!!" wow. somebody is angry and not in a good mood. i would go outside but i have a feeling i might get shot. or yelled at. eeekk. they need to keep their voices down. people are trying to sleep. :) haha. jk but seriously. the poor noisy children who live next door may wake up!!

i wish there was someone i could talk to..someone who understood what i am going through. no one truly understands. hell, i do not even understand what is going on. all i know is i want to change but i am not strong enough to do it. obviously. :/

Dear God, hear my prayer, I am tired of living a lie and being somebody I am not. I am sorry for the person I have become and for the life I am living. I never thought things would come to this, that I would feel the way I do, that I would be so blind to the truth. I have blinded myself with the ways of the world, the way they want you to believe the only to be happy is. I know what true happiness feels like, and how to obtain it. I do not know why I rebel so much. I cannot help the way I feel. It seems one small decision leads to a life of failure. I know I was not created to be a failure. I am a daughter of God and I know I have a purpose on this Earth. That I was created for a reason, I have a mission, and right now I have not been living my life to the standard I know I should be living. I can do so much better, I was created for good, not evil. But why do I feel this way? Why must I try to fit in when I was born to stand out, even though I do not want to stand out, but just be me. I want to love everyone, I want to be loved by everyone. I just have lost my boundary. I have lost the line of how to love without "loving". I have lost the ability to say " NO " and how to be what you created me to be: an instrument in thy hand. I feel more as a chizzle, chipping and breaking something powerful into small and insignificant pieces, useless and un-retainable and un-constructable. I am a daughter of thee, and I am a good person...although at this moment I do not feel as one. I feel lost and unsure and scared of what is to become of me.I am afraid to do what I know is right for my pride and stubborness is getting in the way. For what I want and what I know to be right are not the same thing, completely different in a ways. I know what I must do, but I am afraid to make the change and the journey. I am afraid I will not be able to handle it. For I have tried before, and I have failed, too easily in fact. The advisary knows me better than I know myself. I have no faith in myself, no conviction. All I have is a prayer. A prayer in my heart that I know I can do better, and I want to. I however am having a hard time believing in myself, as well as in thy power and thy love. I know everything happens for a reason...I just do not see how this works. This suffereing is non-stop. Just when I think I have moved on, it returns. It is like I create it for myself. I thrive off of pain, I self inflict and I know it. I know you are listening, and I do not want to do anything stupid. Help me believe in myself. Help me love my neighbors and help me love myself. Bless those you have put into my life and help them become strong.
Help me to love those who hurt me. They do not do it intentionally. Bless my family and bless my friends. Thank you for this life and the wonderfull things I have in my life. Thank you for my schooling, my job, my family, my health, my friends, and my love for thee. Help me to be a better example and follower of thee and thy gospel. Help me to love those around me and forgive 70X7. Forgive our trespasses and bless our hearts and minds.