seriously

i recently had a conversation about the song 'pumped up kicks' by foster the people. well, i guess i was not really in the conversation. i had nothing to say except that i love the song and i do not care what it is about. i like it!

however, it was said that it is a terrible song, one that should not be played on the radio. how can they even get away with playing it on the radio especially with all the school shootings that go on?! there are so many reasons, i mean this is the 20th century honey. and why can people have sex scenes in pg-13 movies, actually NUDITY and all, why can they say FCKU in songs and it is okay, why can people wear shorts that show their asses, why would people promote abortion, why would people allow marijunana, why would they allow tv shows that encourage sex befor marriage, gambling, killing, revenge, dishonesty, do drugs, do whatever you want without consequence?! HELLO! that is the way of the world so of course it is going to be okay. haha i had no idea the song was about a school shooting, but that does not change my opinion. i like it still. but that is my opinion. their opinions were it is a song that makes them angry, gives them bad feelings, it is a twisted song. even the name of the band is twisted. hahaha seriously? but i just thought the whole conversation was funny. i had to share! there are so many other things to be worried or frustrated about, things that really need to be changed and she is worried about this song being played on the radio. hahahaha

i had another interesting conversation. this one happened a ways back and yesterday. my mother once gave me a talk about no matter where i go, i will have the experiences i need to have. it does not matter if i went to UofA or if I went to Utah, i would still face the same difficulties i am facing today. and after yesterday, i believe that really is the case. i was going to go to school in logan, utah at the USU. i was really wanting to go there. the feelings i had there were just amazing and i loved the city, the campus, everything was so powerful. i got accepted and everything!!! however, i did not receive a scholarship so i decided to go to UA. ( i do regret this decision now by the way ) i have faced quite a bit of things, one in particular realizing something i have always kind of really known, i am attracted to females. i really have been for a long time but i never have done anything about it. Anyways, yesterday i found out that Logan is a very liberal place and is home to a huge community of lesbian women. huh....i would have faced the same thing there as here!!! hilarious!!! :) it actually could have been a lot worse in logan. or better....more oppurtunities that is for sure!! haha. i just thought it was so interesting that my mother, a very spiritual woman she is, was right again. no matter where you are or where you go, you can never run from your problems or think things will be better. you will go through whatever you are meant to go through. you cannot run from your future....does that make sense? IT DOES TO ME! it has helped me realize that no matter where i go, i will still be the same. i will learn what i need to learn despite my location. i find that so interesting now.

not as easy as an easy bake oven

change is harder than it people say it is. it is no easy switch. and ladies and gentlemen this is probably the hardest thing to do. i know i need to change, but i never thought it would be so hard. and the support system is not as great as i had hoped. i am not strong enough to change on my own, and after tonight...the one person who you thought could talk you out of something ignores you....but it is not your fault and it probably was unintentional. i set myself up for it from the beginning. i knew i was in trouble from the get go, but i needed that support. and you ignored me. it is not your fault. i know this. it is my own. but thank you for being there for me when i needed you the most. it really means a lot to me....:/

weird. my neighbor is screaming to get the F$*&% out of the apartment complex. " you have 30 seconds to F-ing walk away!!!!" wow. somebody is angry and not in a good mood. i would go outside but i have a feeling i might get shot. or yelled at. eeekk. they need to keep their voices down. people are trying to sleep. :) haha. jk but seriously. the poor noisy children who live next door may wake up!!

i wish there was someone i could talk to..someone who understood what i am going through. no one truly understands. hell, i do not even understand what is going on. all i know is i want to change but i am not strong enough to do it. obviously. :/

Dear God, hear my prayer, I am tired of living a lie and being somebody I am not. I am sorry for the person I have become and for the life I am living. I never thought things would come to this, that I would feel the way I do, that I would be so blind to the truth. I have blinded myself with the ways of the world, the way they want you to believe the only to be happy is. I know what true happiness feels like, and how to obtain it. I do not know why I rebel so much. I cannot help the way I feel. It seems one small decision leads to a life of failure. I know I was not created to be a failure. I am a daughter of God and I know I have a purpose on this Earth. That I was created for a reason, I have a mission, and right now I have not been living my life to the standard I know I should be living. I can do so much better, I was created for good, not evil. But why do I feel this way? Why must I try to fit in when I was born to stand out, even though I do not want to stand out, but just be me. I want to love everyone, I want to be loved by everyone. I just have lost my boundary. I have lost the line of how to love without "loving". I have lost the ability to say " NO " and how to be what you created me to be: an instrument in thy hand. I feel more as a chizzle, chipping and breaking something powerful into small and insignificant pieces, useless and un-retainable and un-constructable. I am a daughter of thee, and I am a good person...although at this moment I do not feel as one. I feel lost and unsure and scared of what is to become of me.I am afraid to do what I know is right for my pride and stubborness is getting in the way. For what I want and what I know to be right are not the same thing, completely different in a ways. I know what I must do, but I am afraid to make the change and the journey. I am afraid I will not be able to handle it. For I have tried before, and I have failed, too easily in fact. The advisary knows me better than I know myself. I have no faith in myself, no conviction. All I have is a prayer. A prayer in my heart that I know I can do better, and I want to. I however am having a hard time believing in myself, as well as in thy power and thy love. I know everything happens for a reason...I just do not see how this works. This suffereing is non-stop. Just when I think I have moved on, it returns. It is like I create it for myself. I thrive off of pain, I self inflict and I know it. I know you are listening, and I do not want to do anything stupid. Help me believe in myself. Help me love my neighbors and help me love myself. Bless those you have put into my life and help them become strong.
Help me to love those who hurt me. They do not do it intentionally. Bless my family and bless my friends. Thank you for this life and the wonderfull things I have in my life. Thank you for my schooling, my job, my family, my health, my friends, and my love for thee. Help me to be a better example and follower of thee and thy gospel. Help me to love those around me and forgive 70X7. Forgive our trespasses and bless our hearts and minds.

the little things

halloween day:

my mother and both my grandmothers came to tucson to surprise me!! and believe me it was a HUGE surprise! there was nothing else that could have made me so happy...except one thing. my mother bought me white tulips. can you believe it? she does not read my blog!!!! it was an answer to a prayer. she said she woke up that morning and thought i need to go see kendi today. i could not believe it. my mother is so in tune with the spirit. i am so thankful for her. i love her so much. i literally wanted to cry all day after my grandmothers and her left.

i also got to see my sister, brother in law and 3 of my nephews. it was incredible! it really was a great halloween. i could not have asked for anything more spectacular. i got to spend it with my family and that was fantastic. PLUS i got my tulips and i am looking at them right now. they are absolutely B-E-A-utiful. i just LOVE LOVE LOVE tulips. hehehehe.

i worked out tonight and then i took a really hot steaming shower. it was magic. i am telling you it was MAGIC!! my whole body feels so relaxed and flimsy. i know that i am going to sleep fantastic tonight i cannot wait. i have to get up really early because i have a music history listening exam tomorrow and needless to say, i have not studied AT ALL for it. so i am going to do it tomorrow morning. Hooray! does not really matter if i study or not because i never do good on them anyways. and that is the truth ladies and gentlemen. i never get over a 7 on the quizes. Schweet!

i have reunited so to speak with a coworker of mine and i have to admit i am SO thankful that things are cool between us. yesterday she came and gave me a hug, which is rare in the first place, and i just wanted to cry. first my mother came to town with tulips, and then i had my friend be my friend again with a hug. i was so toouched!!! i never meant to hurt her or anything, that was never my intention, but she was hurt and i felt awful. me as a person i like to talk about things and get it off my chest right away, but i could not pull myself to do it. she was so mad at me and i reacted not as i should have. i should have been positive about the whole thing, but then so many other people started creating drama in my life. or i can say i created drama in my life. it was just one big mess, with people being mad at me at school, church, and work.....the one place i have to get away from the hellish life of my brain, my life, school, and people. work sad to say is like my sanctuary and i am so thankful to have a job with people who are just amazing. i love everyone i work with and i have nothing negative to say about any of them...honestly. like people, i get annoyed and sometimes just want to be away for a tiny bit, but i love them all and they are really good people. i am truly blessed and i honestly thank god all the time for putting them into my life. i am just so thankful we are friends again. not to say we ever weren't, things were just not the same. she is a great gal. she has a good heart and is so funny i cannot believe it. not to sound creepish but there are just some people in this world that things just hit off right away. you get along immediately. she was one of those people for me. my other coworkers it took awhile for us to get close, but her and i just hit it off. nice. maybe it is because she likes to make fun of me hahahaha. anyways, good to have work life back on my side again!!!

it has been a good day.

a flower of warmth

i am sitting here in my bedroom, thinking how amazing it would to receive some flowers. i know i am allergic to most flower pollen(allergies...yes!!!) but i do not care. i would just cry if i received some tulips or star-gazer lilies, they are my favorite flowers. Tulips are however my favorite flower.How awesome would it be to go to a tulip field? like in the Netherlands??? this is absolutely gorgeous and i would LOVE to visit a place like this. it is a dream of mine, one of my top places to visit in the world, along with the vineyards of France. :) i seriously would cry if i received some tulips. a bouqeut of tulips...or even a single tulip would be so heart warming and i would feel so loved. it is hard for to feel that way right now, which probably could explain my weird thoughts of wanting flowers...or even a hug...or just someone to hold me while i cried...just someone to talk to :/


did you know::: Tulips are symbolic of fame and perfect love. The symbolic meanings also change with the color of the tulips.

Red tulips mean "believe me" and are a declaration of true love.
Variegated tulips mean "you have beautiful eyes."
Yellow tulips mean "there's sunshine in your smile" and cheerful thoughts. Cream colored tulips mean "I will love you forever." White tulips symbolize heaven, newness and purity. Purple tulips symbolize royalty. Pink tulips mean affection and caring. Orange tulips mean energy, enthusiasm, desire, and passion.

i would just love some tulips right now. i really need to smile. i have been under the weather since saturday night. it does not make it any better that my mind will not SHUT UP!! i wish i could be a vegetable for a couple days...a mental vegetable that is. :) to not think about anything, to not feel anything, it would be grand :) but i have a huge headache, and my stomach is twisting in knots. and i just want flowers!!!! i tried to work out earlier, since that really helps me to feel better, but it only made things worse. i think i am killing myself, making myself sick. i am so beat up and tired, mentally sick that my physical body is reacting to it. and honestly, i think i am going to be sick for a while because i am just going to give in to it. i am not going to go to school tomorrow, even though it is halloween. i will go to work though. if i am not throwing up or anything. besides, those gals make me smile so it might do me some good.

tulips bloom at the beginning of spring, so they are symbols of a new beginning. it is funny because the tulip is the most loved flower on the earth. and when people think of the tulip, they associate it with comfort and coziness. i think this is why i love the tulip so much. it makes me feel comfort, warmth, love. whenever i see tulips i just light up. perhap this is why i would love some right now.

work out

so i am officially in love with working out. i just did 2 hours at the rec center. i have missed it so. it was great to sweat and get out some frustration. i really need that in my life right now. i cannot believe i have gone as long as i have with out it! that was a big mistake and i will not do that again!! :) it is amazing how much better i feel. it is AMAZING! :D

i dont mind the weather
i've got scarfs and caps and sweaters
i've got long johns under slacks blustery days

i think that its brainless to assume
that making changes to your windows view
will give a new perspective

and the hardest part is yet to come

i don't mind restrictions
or if you're blacking out the friction
it's just an escape it's overrated anyways

the hardest part is yet to come
when you will cross the country alone.

great

f&#% this. forget everything that i typed earlier. i am done. i am DONE i am telling you. there is nothing more disturbing than knowing that you completely are living proof of disaster. no one to turn to..no one to talk to...no one who understands you. i am a walking time bomb i am going to admit it. after tonight, i cannot handle it. i cannot look at myself in a respectful manner. i have come to the conclusion that i am lost and i shall forever remain that way. i am not as strong as i should be....i am very weak. i am a weak person and i cannot handle it. i cannot handle the pressure. i cannot handle the diversity.i cannot handle ME! i used to be comfortable with me....but i can see how ME is a big no no and everything about me is a disaster. i need to get away from everyone....from everything. i try to hard to fit in instead of just being me.

i try to be someone i am not. i do not see what is the problem. why me? why can i not just be happy for once in my god damn life? what is the fucking problem!?!?!? i am tired of fake. i want the REAL.

one thing is real. and i am not proud of it.....but the sharp edge brings back the sense that pain is real and i can feel....i can still feel pain......

say it again

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~

people suck and it is affirmed. i burnt my whole left hand today while cleaning the grill and i think i may scream. my hand is in so much pain. it really put me in a bummed out mood at work today. i feel bad for my co-workers. my hand hurts so bad. i seriously have huge blisters all over it! it looks like i have leporasy! haha. funny. i need to put some ointment on it. sheesha.
played volleyball tonight and it was SICK! i love volleyball. it was a grand ole time indeed. now i have to go to bed to get up in the morning to FINALLY work out. i am going to do it...i have to do it tomorrow morning or i may freak out. :D

i am just going to end with these lyrics from Chiddy Bang::

Eh, check the plans out
We work hard
I ain't asking for a handout
If I hit the booth I don't have to pass them grams out
And beat her well when the other thoughts ran out
They say they lost words
I got them puzzled like the cross-word
Harvard
I'm nuts, George Washington Carver
But you can never pay a boss peanuts
If it gets messy be prepared for the cleanup
But this thing called success is so strange
Because you can get notoriety and still ride the train
Make it in it's entirety and search for the fame
But I'm still Michael Phelps swimmin' in my lane
Where's Lois?
Me, I'm Superman,I'm just here to save the day
Or at least I thought I was
Til I flew in the save her
And met my opponent
I'm fighting with myself
Don't offer the condolence
I'm Dreamin


We Chasin' the dream
So what is life the diamonds and the gleam
Get a job while I'm doing it
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it
And things ain't what it seem
Make money to spend it
I got my scheme
Work hard while we doin' it
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it

It too haunting
The task is daunting
Trying to get the labels on board while flaunting
But, let's make some music make some money
Get the rides
European ties, have models for wives
Sometimes I feel fated to pretend
Unsafe 'cause my crib is far from gated in
I'm a relic believe slightly the psychedelic
If I could take off would you consider me angelic
Hysteric
I'm the subject and the predicate
They hatin' on me tell me wheres the etiquette
If you Goliath, I don't have to prove I'm better than
I play David, I'm a forth year letter man
So Let em' in, can you hear me knocking on the door
Hard to breathe at this altitude where the oxygen is poor
Think Benz, I don't know what Pontiac means
And this is what happens when an insomniac dreams


We Chasin' the dream
So what is life the diamonds and the gleam
Get a job while I'm doing
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it
And things ain't what it seem
Make money to spend it
I got my scheme
Work hard while we doin' it
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it

to be clear

Do you know how hard it is to type on an ipod during work?! SUPER HARD!
i just read over my post and there are so many mistakes! haha. i think it is really funny though. i love how the spell check just picked random words that it THOUGHT i was typing. what is a "nit"? no clue :)

i just wanted to add on to my last post. i was at work so i had to work so my post was short. i wanted to clarify some things.

FIRST::: i am a totaly flirt and i know that. :) but i do not do that intentionally. it seems i only hear that from women. guys never seem to notice.....?? i am just accepting of everyone and i love everyone. i treat everyone equal. that is just my personality. if that is called "flirting" well then so be it! i embrace it haha.

i have come to the conclusion, i have PROBLEMS! hahaha thank you thank you it is confirmed. Kendi van de graaff is not perfect and i lOVES IT! i think i have figured out why i am so happy this year? i think it has to do with the fact that i have finally accepted who i am. i am not trying to be somebody i am not. i am not hiding anything or being secretive. i am 100% open and blunt about my life and i have come to terms and peace with a lot of my past. i have nothing to be ashamed of and i embrace who i am. i love who i am! it is a breath of fresh air to be...ME! not the person everyone wants me to be...i am who i am! it is not necessarily the ideal person, the person i ever saw myself being, but it is me! I have accepted it. it is a great feeling. if people do not like it, well, that is there problem not mine. i do not need to worry myself with what people think. it is none of my business anyways. haha. right. meow.

Thank you thank you to the wonderful Eminem! i am listening to him right and it always opens my mind when i listen to him. Weird i know, but his music reminds me so much of my brother who passed away. he is the one who introduced me and my family pretty much to Eminem. I have been listening to him since he first came out..i was so little and young. goodness gracious. :) what wonderful things i was exposed to at such a young age haha. so SOOOOO many things it is hard to believe. that could explain so many things of how i am the way i am. hahaha so many things.

anyways, i need to get to bed and wake up early tomorrow morning. i tried doing my homework, but the music library closed at 10 and my computer does not allow the video lecture to play. my computer HATES me. so i need to go to the school early and get it done before 930am. yay for me and my week that has NOT AT ALL been very relaxing. i still have not had any sleep and calmed down and relaxed from my rought last 2 weeks and traveling. my goodness, i need to sleep and recooperate! when shall this happen?!?!?!?! ZZZzzZZzzZZZzzzZzzZzzzzzzzz JUST LOSE IT!

Work progress

is it strange? It is for me. Choir tour was absolutely outstanding!!!!! I had so much fun it is incredible. I know before tour I did not even want to go. I was nit excited to spend time witha bunch of choir kids!! But they all are nit just choir kids. These are musicians who actually want to e in choir!!! It was so much fun. I cannot say how happy I am that I went on tour! It was an amazing experience and making the level of music with all those in choir was wow. I got to know each person in that choir more than i would have in class. They are really a good group of people andso much fun to be around. I am so glad I am in symphonic this year!!!!!! It has been the best year of choir I think I have ever had in te history of choir!!!!! This year just in general has been a great one. I am not sure why but it has been!!! I have been so happy and BUSY! Fall semesters ar the worst semesters for me. They are long and they just drag on and on and in. And I am always so exhausted and depressed it seems. But not this semester. I have been so happy and the semester has gone by so fast!! It will November before I know it!!!! And kamas will be getting married! Krazy eerybody krazy! I need to still find someone to go to the wedding with me. I still have a month but still. I also need to loseore weight. I am craving a hard core work out and sweat fest. Bring it in baby!!!

MET DAY!

Today was a FANTASTIC DAY!!! Oh my goodness I cannot remember a day when I was just completely happy?!! It has been so long!!!!!! TOday was so amazing I am so happy.!

So this week has been so crazy. 5 midterms, 2 papers due, work, and getting ready for the MET auditions. Things have been so stressful. But I got through it! I only failed 1 midterm....52%. Not that bad...:/
But today was the MET auditions. I was so discouraged last week because I did absolutely awful in Master class and my recording session. I wanted to not do these auditions and I had my heart set on stopping. But I had this feeling that I should just do it. SOooooo I did it! And it was amazing let me tell you! Yesterday, I sang in my master class. I wore the dress I was thinking about wearing for the audition and my professor...the first thing she said when I stood up to sing was " i am not a fan of the orange ddress. You aint wearin' those shoes are ya?" WHAT! she absolutely loved my dress last year for a competition. She said it looked so good on stage. But of course I did not wear it today. Haha I had a blue dress I wore instead. It was more flowing anyways :)
I was going to start my audition with AH! Je Veux Vivre from Romeo et Juliette by Gounod, but my professor thought that was a bad idea. SO instead I started with Prendi per me sei libero from L'Elisir d'amore by Donizetti.

It was smashing!! I felt so good after I got off stage. I have no regrets!! I did not win, I knew that I wouldn't I am not that impressive compared to everyone else. HELLO?!?!?! I was competing against people 20-30. There was no way. haha. But it was still so much fun! I came home Friday night with my friend Diana Olivares. She is my studio class. We stayed at my place and just relaxed last night and this morning. It was super chill and really good to be home. THis is us in the car on our way to the audition!!!

Do we not look so hot?!?! It was so great to travel with her. We had a good time. She is super nice.

I have no regrets about my performance. I felt strong about everything and I was so happy and I had a great time. I was not sure which aria I wanted to start with. It would either be the Prendi, or Steal Me Sweet Thief from the OLd Maid and the Theif by Menotti. I have more experience with Steal Me. I have performed it in the Quest for the Best competition. It sits really good in my voice too. I can really act it out pretty well. But this morning I decided to do Prendi. I just felt like I should sing that one. ANd I did. It really showed off my voice I think. I know there are still a lot of things that could be better, but where I am right now in my performing and studies, I thought I did really good. I have IMPROVED by a butt load this semester. That is only 2 months! I have improved more in these past 2 months than I have ever over the past 2 years at the UA.

I got to meet with one of the judges after the performance and it was incredible. He said I was so young for the repetoire that I am singing. He said it was impressive. He also said that I had a beautiful voice. So young! haha. He asked me if I was into musical theatre and I said yes! I actually wanted to do musical theatre before Opera. He told me he does musical theatre over the summer and there are numerous roles he would cast me in RIGHT NOW! Incredible. When i first walked into the room, he said he remembered me. I was his MAYBE choice for a winner! Can you believe it?!?! A maybe!!!! Icould have won!! hahaha. at least in his opinion I do not know about the other judges haha. He said I just did not have that one thing that made me super unique, that would put me over the top of all the other singers. I am young and I can figure that out. But he did love my voice and told me to keep up the good work. Also, he knows that I am focusing on technique, but once I learn that completely, i should focus on communicating because he said I am a great communicator, which is why he thinks I would do great in music theater. To be a great performer, there are 3 things i must be able to do; sing, move, and communicate. :) How awesome. Movement, vocals and communication. He said i should master all these elements and I will be set! He said the one thing I want you to take from this interview is Communication. And that is what I did! I know that I can communicate so much better, i just get so worried about the technique. But I am still young, he kept saying that. hahaha. I am 22!!!! :) I have so much time to get so much better and I cannot wait to get there! I am on my way!!

The next competition, WATCH OUT!! I am going to blow the fish out of the water! It was been nothing but a marvelous day. I got to sing, perform, meet a PROFESSIONAL MET singer, spend time with the family, it has just been marvelous. Now I am going to see MONEYBALL with the mother. What a great way to end the day. I know this...I am going to sleep great tonight :)

what a week!

WOW!!! This week has been so crazy! Not just this week but last week as well! I have nothing but school and work and school and work! I have tests one right after the other. In fact, this week I have to write 2 papers, memorize 50 or so different terms, and study for two midterms! And on top of that I have the MET Opera Auditions on Saturday!!!!! Oh my goodness it is all happening so fast! I am so going to relax when this week is over since I have technically not had a break since conference weekend...sort of. A PARTAY is definitely in order. I guess you can say I already had one really on Friday.....sort of. I went out with some people and it was fun. Not necessarily my regular group of people?! What am I saying? I do not have a group! hahaha. how crazy I am trying to diversify myself. Share myself with others :)

But man oh man, I am suffering from BEK this week. Nobody ever will understand or know the meaning behind BEK. It is plain and simple and if people knew me as a person, they would understand the abbreviation. But no one really pays that much attention to my life haha and how can they? I do not blame them. This is something I struggle with. And BEK is not helping! I cannot get it off of my mind. I wish that things would just happen. Either that or I just need to stop thinking about it. But how can I? It is probably the hardest thing to do, especially since it is a daily, hourly, second by second though process. It is always on my mind. the mind really is one of the hardest things to control. This I believe more and more everyday. Learning to control the mind, and thoughts is painful and quite the struggle. You all think quitting smoking is hard? Well, that is a mind game people. EVERYTHING is done with the mind. It is the center of our whole being. We cannot be without it.

Anywho, maybe something WILL happen, for the better and good of the situation. But knowing the true reality of BEK, it never will. Never B, never E, never K....never ever! Another reason I need to completely shake it from my mind. I need to focus on more important things, better things, productive things at that. I just hope...more like I plead that something will become of this syndrome. yes, my BEK is a problem I have properly diagnosed and there is no prescription or antidote to cure it. HaHaHa. except time....and patience?! All good things come in time to those who wait.

Can I just say how amazing conference was? holy WOW! I completely needed that in my life. it felt so good to hear the words of the prophets on the earth. Their counsel was amazing. I have come to find the older I get, the more I crave and need conference in my life. It is a craving that needs filled too! it is no longer a torture to sit through! I enjoi it breathlessly. I loved President uchtdorf's talk in Womens Conference...Forget Not. I have never heard something more sincere, heartfelt, and pure. I have already given that talk to a friend of mine who is not of my faith and she loved it. I gave her a copy and I hope it changed her perspective on her hard times. Slowly she is accepting me for my religion. The only really around who gets it....and that in itself is a funny story. She is a great gal and has so much potential in this world. I wish she saw how great she is and how wonderful she is. Seriously, it is disappointing in a ways and yet, hard to watch. She has no pride in who she is. I know pride can be bad, but she does not even care. She does not even try. She needs a friend and I am there for her, but it can only be for an xtent. My friendship cannot go farther, and I have a feeling she is feeling it should. NOOOOOO!!!!! :) She knows my thoughts though so that is good. Friends we are and only friends we shall stay. I pray for her and I am always inviting the spirit to enter her life, giving her talks and advice I get in church and from the prophets. In fact, I have been trying to study more and understand more so I can better serve her. Sure my habits and struggles are still struggles, but I know I have a testimony of this gospel and I know for a surety....having thought long and hard about the gospel and its affects in my life...that I would die for this gospel. There is no doubt in my mind that I would not stand up for it at any moment. I would never deny the presence of Christ in my life and in this world. I would never deny the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, never deny there is a God for I have witnessed his hand in my life. I know I do not follow his words..i have my doubts but I know HE is there and watches over me. HE loves me and will never abandon me no matter what I do. I know this for a surety. I am a good person who just makes stupid decisions. This does not make me a bad person. I am so thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the comfort and warmth I feel from it. I would die any day for this gospel.

It is weird to think whenever people find out i am LDS, they freak out. They cannot believe that I am. I have to admit I understand why. I am not exactly the best example. But see my point of view. People have this view of Mormons being snotty, stubborn, better than everybody, holier than everyone, perfect people. We are not and never will be. We are normal people who try to live our lives the best that we can. When people find I am LDS, they do not see how I can seeing as though I go out, I go to parties, I drink, I smoke every now and then, and other things.....I tell them I am a Mormon. I love my faith and I would never deny it. Some find it hard to believe since I live a life of sin. You know, this gets to me. I am not representing my faith or my church. Nor am I representing the life of Christ and his light in the world. Or am I? I do not believe I am necessarily putting shame to this gospel. I may not be a great representation, but I am not a bad one either. I know I need to change my life and change my ways. but for other reasons that I still am working out with myself. I do not go looking for ways to talk to people about the gospel. THey bring it up themselves. I am able to talk about the church and my religion and my views and aspects and my experiences. I am not a perfect person. I believe I am showing people that not everyone is perfect. LDS people are not perfect! We all have our problems and our struggles in life. I also tell them there are those in every religion though....some who do not "follow the rules". Now, i am not saying I am proud of the way these things unfold, but at the same time, some people walk away having a greater respect and understanding of MORMONISM for to say. I think I am getting a head of myself, and this is probably really confusing to understand, but I understand my point. I am a mormon. I am proud to say it and I always will be. You will never see my hesitate when asked what my religion is. And I am proud of that. If you want to judge me, you can, but i know that it will never matter because only God can judge me. I know I have things to change, and things to work out, and I am not in any way trying to say that by being a "rebel" is a good way to talk about the church. Not at all. I am not saying that I am glad I do what I do either. I am saying I am Human. And if I am able to relate to people through my experiences and it is able to give them an understanding of the church and they accept it and learn about it, I am not necessarily going to deny that privilage. I am thankful for my trials, I am thankful for my imperfections because they make me a stronger person and they have made me who I am today. I am grateful and thankful for it all. No regrets. If I could go back in time and change anything, I would not. I would not be the person I am without these trials. What I need to do is learn from them, take the bad with the good and know what I can do better. Every experience has a lesson to be learned. It is up to US to figure it out and take it with us into our everyday lives and even share it with those around us. That is something I am so thankful to do. I would not be able to talk to a lot of people about the church if I was not able to relate to them in their current lives. Through my imperfections and experiences I am able to relate and draw people to the light for the see me as someone they can trust, someone who knows the hardships and the difficulties they face. But I can also be a lighthouse for them to come to the light, that there is something better out there and they can be apart of it. I know this is what I can be, and I know I can help them find their way back to something greater :)

the new day!

hey hey hey y'all.!

i cut my hair yes i did! i have been wanting to do it for quite sometime now and i have finally gone through with it.
it is really a new look for me and i am not quite used to it yet....but it is wearing on me. i mean i lOVE it i do. it just is still different. i am so glad i did it though. i feel freer...a whole new person!


i have been to all my classes now! let me start with what i have!
m,w,f ::10am-music history, 11-break except fridays i have voice studio, 12-20th century theory, 1-break/voice lesson on wednesdays, 2-choir.
tues/thurs::: 930-living in symbiosis, 11-conducting, 12-break, 1-break, 2-choir,
i do not know what day i have opera scenes.
every morning i gets up and go work out. during my breaks is when i am going to try and practice my music because 4-830pm i am going to be working at the 3 cheeses and a noodle again! i am excited about that i am not going to lie :)

i have 3 roommates: lorenna is from orange county, ca. flavia is from switzerland. augustina is from china. they are nice. i just talked to them today actually haha.
flavia goes back to switzerland in december. she is just an exchange student. pretty cool.

i am excited for a new year! i am trying to get in my system to be a whole new me! not to care what people think because they cannot determine how i react or how to behave. i have come up with a theory. i care TOO DAMN MUCH! i am the one who creates the drama in my own life. if i were to just take life and not freak out, things would fall better into place. i would not be worried about this person or that person and all that jazz. i need to take life day by day. i get myself into my own problems. i am glad i have finally realized this. i am starting to get smart!!!! :)
i now know my problem and i am now going to change! there is nothing wrong with change....change is good and healthy. bring it on. as the sidewalk says........

leaving!

Oh my goodness!!!

I am leaving for Tucson in less than 2 hours!!! I cannot believe it! my summer is pretty much over. School starts on Monday.
I finished working at Harkins on Sunday. It was sad. I really enjoyed my job.
I think more than the job i LOVED the people. my managers were amazing. and they other Team members and Team leaders were really easy to get along with. I am blessed to have had the job.

i am sitting here thinking why i am leaving? i know school is important, but i finally was somewhere where i felt people appreciated me, liked me, accepted me and were my friends. now i am leaving to go back to a place where i have no friends and people hate me. who in their right mind would do that? i have no clue.

but i am not going to let them win. i am going back and i am going to have a hell of a year. i am not going to let some freaky deeky people get all up in my grill. Mhmmm you know that's right. Look out :)

i need to get all my stuff in the car. i am heading out this is going to be quite the adventure! YES!!!

novel 7 and stuff

so wow! i finally finished my 7th novel. i do not think i am going to reach my goal of 10 before school starts. to tell the truth the books that i have been reading are not that interesting and so my attention is starting to be like usual, i hate reading. it is coming back! i cannot find a book that really grabs me like the Help did.

anyways, i did not read the one i thought i was going to, the crimson portrait. i started it, but it was not that attracting so i read What the Dickens instead. it is by the same writer who wrote WIcked. it is a story about the tooth fairy or tooth fairies! haha.
it was an okay book. it had a cute story line. i do not think i will read it again, unless it is to my children when they are about 7 or 8 years old. haha.

i start school soon! school starts on the 21 of August and i am moving back to tucson on the 18. i cannot wait! like always i am getting nervous to go back, but it is going to be great! i cannot wait to get back on my own and be me again. i will have to post more details about it later. what really sucks is i have to stop my job at harkins. that REALLY bites because i love working there. i love the people i work with and the atmosphere. i am going to miss it. i wish i did not have to leave just for that purpose. plus i got free movies and now i have to pay again. darn.

another bummer is i finally went on a date with a certain someone and it was FANTASTIC! i finally meet someone and i have to go back to school! where was this person all summer? what the hay. i love how when things finally pick up you have to abandon them. i really think them and i would have hit it off great. i really want to see them again tonight but they work really early in the morning and so they go to bed really early and i do not see that happening. tears. but i hope that i could sneak over at least and chill for about an hour or so. :) again, i will post more details on that laters!

i am off to go grocery shopping. i am the mother of the house since my parents are in tennessee for my fathers business meeting. i have to clean and do the mommy stuff. not like i do not do that already!! haha. so adios and ciao.

#6 Novel Complete!

OKAY, i am not going to lie this novel took me a while , over a week to finish it. i just could not get into it. it reminded me a lot of the divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood. the novel is called " mermaids in the basement' by michael lee west.


the book really has nothing to do with mermaids. it is about a girl who goes to her grandmothers house in alabama and her grandmother, and 2 other ladies tell her the story about her mother, the REAL story of her mother and father.
those 3 ladies were her mothers best friends they were. :)
it was different book. if you can handle different point of views then you may enjoy it. i however, am not very fond of several points. i just want to focus on one and that is the main character. all the jumping around just looses my interest and this book did just that.
it seemed i was just hurrying to read it in the end so i could get it over with, so i can start a new one. and that is exactly what i am going to do! i am starting my new one either today or tomorrow. it is july 23 and i have little under a month to read 4 more novels. i have to get a move on that is for sure! i have 2 novels in my mind to read, i need to find 2 more. i guess i will think about that when the time comes. :)

5th novel down!

i finished another novel today! sarah's key

it was a good novel. it was different than the others i have read. it took place in two point of views. it was not annoying but it was a bit weird. i do not mind that kind of writing, but i was more interested in the girls story, her side. but that is not the way the book was meant, being that the two stories would collide into one, which is exactly what happened. i loved the history. i learned something i never knew about. i never knew about july 1942 and the Vel D'hiv, the roundup of all the Jews in Paris, France. it is sad to think about, how the french police took all those Jews and treated them so awful. 4,000 children torn from their parents, then sent to their deaths at Auschwitz. the overall book was very informing, and i have learned something new.

i went with my grandmother vdg today to barnes & noble and found two new novels to read. i have never heard of them before but they seem interesting. one is 'mermaids in the basement' and the other is 'crimson portrait'. i will begin the mermaids in the basement first. i will start today during my break at work! i work the concession stand today, from 4-11:30pm. i am nervous yikes! i did pretty well yesterday on my training, but that was only for 2 hours, not 7.5!! hahaha. i cannot be afraid. i got this! but anyways, the books, i am excited to read them. i most admit i am really liking to read. i have read 5 novels already this summer:1. a walk to remember 2. the scarlet pimpernel 3. the help 4. if i stay and 5. sarah's key. and i still have over a month of the summer left! who knows how many novels i can get in!!! i bet i could read 10 before school starts. but that just depends on how dedicated i am to the book, which means it really has to grab my attention and be really good! i have started a book, i started about a week ago, " mans search for meanin' or something like that. it is about a man who lived during the holocaust and his time in the concentration camps. it is not a bad book, very powerful, but i can only read so much at a time. it is deep and it makes you think. i do highly suggest it though!

out of the books i need to read, i hear the 'hunger games' is a great novel. everyone in my family has read it and they love it. i will check it out. i also am thinking of finally reading the harry potter novels! hahaha. i have only read the first 3 and that was way back in elementary, when they first came out. i have not read them since. the movies are done being made, the last one came out today!! how sad, over 8 years and they are finished. it is kind of relieving and sad at the same time. i am not a harry potter fan, but still. i am thinking now that all the CRAZE is over i will check them out. typical me though. hahaha i did and still do not want to be categorized as one of those weirdo's. once something becomes popular, i drop it. but i can still read the books. nothing to be ashamed of there! they are good and very fun i hear. i will have to start all over though, even though i already know the first book pretty well, there is no harm in starting over, pick up on all the little details!

i am listening to rossini's 'staber mater' that UA's symphonic orchestra, symphonic and arizona choir did fall 2010. it was so much fun and i love listening to it! that has so far been my favorite part of symphonic choir. nothing compares to that experience and the beauty of the work, not even singing at carnige hall! 2 of the soloists were from UA. Seth Kersishnik, who was the bass. he originally is a tenor, an AMAZING tenor, but working to be a baritone/bass now. he is still marvelous. and Robin Rockwell. she is mezzo-soprano. i hear she is studying now at ASU for her doctors. she is amazing as well. i do not remember the tenor or soprano, all i remember was they were siblings! that was impressive. i wish my siblings sang and were into this kind of music. oh wells! i love this! and not to mention my laundry is going and the aroma is amazing. i got new fabric softener, snuggle (my favorite) and the bamboo scent is exotic! my clothes are going to smell great for work today!

angels and extremes

i thought it was a catchy title!anywho, i am going to tucson today to try and find an apartment. my mom finally said she will go with me and i am so excited. lately my mother and i do not get along so great, but i am hoping to be open minded today and have fun! she always went with me to look for apartments and traveled with me during auditions and all. i am hoping to make more good memories this way :)
i hope i find something cheap and close and nice. please please please

this is my buddy brandon and i my first year at the UA. his too! this is in my first apartment. good times.


i ate reese's puffs...for breakfast! haha it was delicious too. the cereal actually is not as good as people would think it to be. it is nothing super special. special k is still by far my favorite cereal.

this picture just make me smile every time i see it! i love my nephew kolter, my only brown eyed spunk of nature :)

last night i started getting trained for working the concession station at the movies. OMG! i am so nervous. it is going to take some getting used to. there are so many steps. i mean, it is not like it is super hard, there is just so much information to remember. and you always have someone WaTcHiNg you. you are never alone. and if you get something wrong, you can in troubs. yikes. so there are 6 StEpS to great customer service. you would think that the customer ordering what they order is all they want. whether it is or not, the employee has to try and upsell something or suggest something else for the customer to buy. okay, what? :) again, there is a 6 StEp system.
1. SmiLe 2.gReEt the customer. " hello welcome to....how may i help you?" 3. upsell drinks AND popcorn; say the customer orders a small popcorn and a medium drink. " for the popcorn may i interest you in a large, it comes with a free refill. and the drink may i interest you in a loyalty cup? you get $1 refillS for the rest of the year." 4. suggestive sell. so the customer only wants popcorn and a drink so the employee would suggest only 2 things from the candy/hot bar to the customer. " would you like any redvines or nachos today?" 5. thank the customer. "thank you and have a great day" 6. wipe counter. a clean counter is very important.

these are a lot of things that we HAVE to do with every customer. then there are the "hidden steps" such as call people to your line, mark refills, if use credit card ask if they would like a receipt, count back change/read total back to them. all these things you do. i tried it yesterday for a little while. i had 2 customers and let me tell you it is harder than it looks. i pretty much froze. " you wanted a what?" haha it was funny. i did not completely butcher it, but i did not do all the steps. and since i do not know my way around the concession stand or the buttons on the register real well, i looked retarded. with all these steps it seems like it takes for ever to fill the orders, but it is the system and it is the most reliable one so everything is taken care of. i am not really fast and it will take a bit to catch on. but i got this....eeek.

another novel

today is sunday (well monday morning now) and after finishing 'the help' i decided i needed to read another book. i do not know what it is but i find reading refreshing right now. it is quite relaxing and it helps me to use my brain in another manner i am not used to. it unlocks my imagination and i love it. i can almost picture myself in the book!


i decided to tackle the novel " if i stay " by gayle forman. it is a different book i will be honest. i read it all day today, finishing it just moments ago. i am glad i read it. i do not know why i chose to read this book, but something about it seemed interesting. i was looking through books in my mothers closet and i came across this one. it was very surprising to see all the books in my mothers closet. it was almost like it was her 'secret stash', her 'treasures'. i found it quite amusing to be looking through them all. in my parents kitchen they have a bookshelf full of books, so many books it is crazy. half of them are religious books. and though they are very intellectual, i can never find myself to read them, i have no interest. maybe because i usually hate to read. but perhaps the more i read, the more i will find the patience to read them and learn more of my religion and the history that came before me.

when my mother found i was reading this book, she told me it was hard for her to read. and i understand why. almost 7 years ago my older brother kess was killed in a car accident and i can only imagine what she felt when she read this book. fiction or non fiction, to lose a loved one or hear of it happening is plain grief. but as i read this book, i got more out of it in the musical account. i am a classical musician myself. i find joy and love in the classical nature of music more than my siblings and friends do. and this book helped me realize how much i appreciate music and the love and devotion i have for it. how truly blessed i am to have music in my life, something that can draw me closer to myself as well as to ones i love. and through music true love and life are portrayed. it was inspiring.

Great Novel

i decided i needed to start reading again. i have so much spare time and i do not know what to do with it. what is better than reading to get the mind and imagination going?! :)
i decided to tackle the novel " the help" by kathryn stockett. i HIGHLY recommend this novel. it is so well done. i bought it on wednesday night, the 6th of july and i finished it this afternoon, the 8th of july. it was a fantastic novel that kept my attention the whole way, till the last word. i never wanted to put it down! even now i am thinking about it.
i figured i would read this novel because i saw the movie poster for it. it looked fairly interesting and i thought maybe i should the book the movie is based off of, before i see the movie for once. and that is what i did. i barely had any money, but i i took the only money i had to go and purchase this novel. and i think it was great buy. i plan to read it again in a couple months.i am also super looking forward to the movie coming out. i hope they follow the story line and they do not butcher it too bad. it is way too good for them to ruin it!

just some photos

these are some of my nephews up at our cabin! so cute they are. their names are (from left to right): holden, hudson, tank, kolter, and hunter.













This is my brother kurt! He is serving a mission in Tokyo, Japan. You can visit his blog at eldervandegraaff.blogspot.com

This is my nephew Hastings, but everyone calls him Bubba, bubba beef cakes!












nothing really fancy but i just wanted to add some fun photos of the family! there will be more to come i am sure!

summer delight

it is summer howdy doo!
i have been getting a wonderful tan i am so excited! my skin smells of sunscreen and it is nice and smooth
i am loving this!
it is going by so fast though! before i know it is going to be time to go back to school. NOOOOO
i just found out my cousin in utah is engaged. congrats to her!
my other cousin is having twins, my sister is back in her house after being evacuated because of the fire, i finally have received a job for the summer, i started watching bones and it is by far my favorite television series!
i started and finished season one. now all i have to do is find season two since it is not on netflix. i am going crazy because the last episode of season one was a cliffhanger! it just ended when it was so intense. i cannot wait any longer to see the next season.
i need to find it asap and it is quite difficult for me, very much so also because i am poor! haha.
i am going to see midnight in paris right now with the mother.
au revoir.

Hey Yall!

Hey! I have a blog! hahaha! I totally forgot that...oops.

what to say? I am supposed to be studying for diction since i have a quizlette tomorrow but i am obviously distracted. :)

it is april! how exciting that summer will be here and school will be finished! that really is so awesome because i am so ready to get out of tucson and the university of arizona. there is nothing here for me anyways. the only reason i am here is for my voice professor, faye robinson, who is amazing! but other than that, i will check out of here in a heart beat. the people, the school, the city, everything is just crap. but oh well, i am here so i might as well smile and wave!!!!! although that is doing nothing for my sanity!!!!!
oh yea, the penguins from madagascar, epic!

i am listening to lady gaga's "born this way" and i just love this song! over the course of 3 weeks this song has really worn on me and i have to say i am liking the beat. lady gaga by far right now in my life is my favorite artist. she is an individual who is not afraid to be someone different and can i just say her music is fantastisch? her style is a bit, abstract and obscure, but hey, you go girl!
oh it totally reminds me of what happened at work today!! this song came on the radio today and me being me, i started singing and dancing since there were no customers to serve. the chef, who is a great guy, told me to stop singing for like 2 minutes and i did not get it. he was laughing i thought it was a joke! it turns out there was a person fixing the silverware who, i am assuming, is transgender?! that is what the chef said! i mean i have seen this person before and i was curious if they were a female or not, but i just came to the conclusion they were a guy. anyways they are who they are for they were born that way! hahaha. no wonder the chef was laughing. he thought it was so funny. i guess it does give a slight chuckle if you think about it!
good times at 3 cheeses and a noodle.....good times.