friday night i did gabe and vicki's hair and i think i did a pretty good job! it was so much fun to do. i did not take pictures of the finished model but oh wells. maybe i should start doing that for future preferences i guess. they looked amazing! all the girls did. gabe, vicki, sarah, clairy, dana, etc. i know so many cute babes! i then went to chill with friends and it was a " high " of a time! hahaha.
saturday was a good day. sarah, gabe and i went to the public library and got library cards. oh yes. we are officially tucson citizens now. it was so cool! i checked out a where's waldo book. i love wheres waldo. however, i have not really been able to look at it since i have been so biz-eeeeeee with school!
sunday i had my holiday choir concert. i believe it went pretty good, both performances. i was exhausted by the end of the whole thing. we all met at the cathedral at 2 and i was there until almost 10pm. i was so tired. but i had to finish my theory homework. great. so i did that in my pajamas while i drank hot cocoa and listened to christmas music with my roommates. oh yes i am a female and i can multi-task and i love it! :P
monday.....oh gosh....talk about a day! i left my apartment at 7:45am and i did not get home until 12:01am. wow! i had to go to school of course, and then work, and then more school. then i had my tech rehearsal and dress rehearsal for opera scenes. they went pretty good i guess. i was not happy with them, but that is probably just me. i absolutely hated my performance last night. i felt as though i did terrible and things were not working for me. it is probably all the stress i have right now for juries and the rehearsal tonight. after my rehearsal last night, my mother and grandmother took me out to get a dessert at bj's. it was delicious.
i had a strawberry beignet and it was to die for! i am craving more and more! wow. yummmmmmmm. my mother however decided to invite that one girl who i seriously...ahhhhh. i do love the girl and i care for her. but she is so rude and creates so much drama for me. it is really hard to explain. let me just say for over a year things have been on and off. and then i go off and do something stupid. she is the one that i made out with and it was the biggest mistake of my life! any other girl, okay. i could deal with that, whatever, and get over it. but her? wow. and not to mention everything else. she never lets me forget it and she holds it against me and blah blah blah blah blah. okay, it is hard to freaking explain so i am just going to drop it.anyways, my mother invites her. totally okay. it really did not bug me that she came. what did bug me was the fact she started completely opening up to my mother and my mother, being the way she is, was all up in her goody goodie god loves you ordeal. and she totally started to take her under her wing. i love my mother, with all my heart, and she is only doing that because she is right! it probably eerked me because the last thing i wanted to hear for 2.5 hours was god this and god that and religion this and blah. it would have been nice if we all had talked about other things, like sports, christmas, the weather, movies, clothes, caught up with things, laugh, joke, etc. but no. she was so focused on that girl and making her feel loved talk. grrrrr. i should not feel this way, but it made me so angry. i finally get to actually hang out with my mom and i cannot even do that. whatever. i had nothing to say anyways. i kind of just sat there drinking my water and staring into space.
and now it is tuesday. how am i feeling? do you really want to know? i have opera scenes tonight. yes.
i had my voice lesson with my professor today and of course, it was like every other lesson. i do not know why i cannot just do what she asks me to do. i do not understand myself. i am not meant to be a singer. i am not meant to do this. coming to tucson was a waste of my life obviously since nothing productive has come from my stay here. i am seriously...done. this is it. i am done. i cannot do it anymore. i cannot do anything right. i am wasting time and others people time and energy. i am not getting anywhere. i only feel worse and worse. pathetic yes i know. the semester is almost over yes it is. and i am ready. and then i am ready to not to come back. i am so tired of not getting it, not doing it right, getting pushed and pushed into a wall that there is no way around. faye, just get it, i suck. i do. i am not progressing and i am no longer in this. i cannot blend in my choir, i cannot get my acting right nor my staging nor anything else in acting.
i have poor acting and characterizations compared to everyone else. i seriously cannot get my singing correct and after 1.5 + years of working the same stupid thing over and over again, i am done with it. i cannot do it. i cannot. is it not clear? why try? not to mention my other classes are down the drain. i got 2 tests back today and i had a 162/200 and a 59/100 on the other. can you believe that crap? oh my gosh what the hell is wrong with me? i study for this class. it is not like i do not try and i still suck. so, i am going to get either a high c or low b and that is not acceptable. my gpa is going to plummit, especially since i am going to have another b in my rome class! ahhhhh. this sucks. i am going to have not time to study for that final since it is on friday, the same day as my juries, and what do you think i am going to be spending my time studying? JURIES, obviously since it is my major. so rome final, i am going to bomb you hardcore. anxiety is just building up like crazy and i just want to...go....breath. gosh i feel pathetic sitting here in the library tearing up in front of a computer.god this is so frustrating and you are certainly no help in the process. of course it is not your fault but my own. but for now, i am done with you too. just give me space and a break. no i do not want a kit kat bar; i just need no more from myself, from the world, from anything and everything!
hugs and kisses ciao. :)
the end.
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