the moment sleep evades you. leaves you, and you lie there in a midst of darkness with nothing but your mind to feed your undesireable emotions and memories that once were a reality, but now are only a film replayed in your imagination.
nothing around you except empty promises, empty films of puffy clouds that are supposed to satisfy your cravings for an escape.
throughout the day you are nothing more than a walking dream, a reality brought to life only when the lights go out and the eyes that focus on the outside will pass back to focus into the inside, where there resides the unconscious matter that controls your mind. your generator.
like most nights, sleep is hard to find. it is almost as a lost item. one that is found randomly through circumstance. but what tonight is the delay? the aggravating truth?
a pondering question that so often strangles my mind. my thoughts. my time.
where are you? why are you gone but yet so close in my mind? why can i not just let you go..your grip so tight on me. almost suffocating, the breath i need is hard to find for i keep falling under water with no way to the surface.
the strength i need i cannot seem to find. the life raft that was in the distance, a mirage to my nature.
who ever thought being in love was such a tragedy? an emotional prison that has no keys or exit strategy. once you feel you have broken loose from the chains, the bars, the torment, you are only beginning the grief. at least in prison you were not alone. you found comfort in the little things. now you struggle to see the light when it is all around you. you are an addict who has quit cold turkey, and now you crave nothing but the sensation of the drug seeping and winding through your veins. the adrenaline. the life. the doped up you.
i cannot see you, but i feel you. what could have been. what should have been. the very loathing enters the excitement of worth. questions reside but no answers are born.
i can go on and on about how you made and make me feel. how i put myself out there, how i fell in love. but this is not a regret nor a soliloquy. more a treatment, an inner discussion, a therapy session.
the best way to clear the mind is said to write it all down. at night, the brain is overflowing with urges, tendencies, ideas.
emotions are racing and the mind a constant flow. just like the tears that rain upon my pillow night after night.
to be overrun with you, i do not need you. i do not need you. why settle for that which slowly broke you, hurt you, and hurt you some more. physically never, but emotionally triumphant.
a bond that was broken, a trust that never sealed. nor a wound that can now ever heal.
for when you give your all, your heart mind and soul, and it has no protection....the elements of life can be cruel. detrimental. a disaster. deadly.
for no one will ever match what the imagination of my hopes and dreams can muster of you.
nothing can ever be what i wanted. needed. deserved.
no one a match. no one a replacement.
for the image of you, the idea of us is too strong a brand.
and yet the reality is as blurry and buried as the ancient folks of old.
the power of a stitch that unweaves throughout time. the stitches can close a wound, but the scar will ever remain. a reminder. a token. a symbol for that which is lost.
a chance denied. a roll of the dice which lost the round.
i have never been the gambling kind. my luck is as a blind man seeing.
how i wish to take that step forward instead of backwards. when backwards is the safest way to fall, for when you fall back you can see up. if you fall forward, you see nothing.
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