world war me

it is almost hard to say anything at all. what drives my thoughts, my imaginations, my desires, my emotions. my life is a shell, guarded by a wall too complicated to build and yet, a constant project. this wall is never sturdy, but it is never down. but the tragedy lies not in the ill-constructed wall, but what is on the other side.

walls are supposed to keep harm out and if looked on it in another perspective, to keep harm in. the walls of a prison for example. are they not built to keep those harmful beings inside and away from humanity? or a mental hospital? or even mcdonalds?

the walls are there, regardless if we want them to be or not. it is reality. it is humanity. every wall has a purpose, and every wall has a weakness, figuratively or metaphorically..same thing right?

but why the sudden interest in walls....

there are two sides to every story. there are two of a kind. what happens on one side of the wall and what happens on the other? in life, we put up walls to keep ourselves from being hurt, emotionally, physically. from the beginning of time, walls are a representation of security. each wall serves a different purpose, however. there are always two different perspectives to a wall. those on the outside of a prison wall see it as assiduity, knowing the people on the other side will not harm them. but those are in the inside of those walls, what do they think? those walls are literally a prison, a wrong, an unfair treatment, their new home, their utter demise and doom, their hell. what is so secure about that feeling?

in a matter of speaking, these walls in my past and my future are a constant battle, between myself and i. i break them down, a never ending war. only i know the weaknesses, the answers. and for a brief moment, half of myself will conquer the other half. the two seperates in a hostile agreement. it may seem there is peace, but in reality, it is a dictatorship where the stronger half pulls through. not for long. the wall will eventually grow, slowly but surely. perhaps both halves agree, and the berlin wall will be torn down for real peace? or an outside force will negotiate a truce within me.... until that time, this girl, this human is a walking double threat.
which side will be persuaded, won over, and if that be the case, who is willing to bear through the war of the other half? there is no switzerland in the matter, a neutral party within me. and certainly no france that withdraws from the fight. both sides are fighters, both sides are equally strong. of course they are, because they both are me.



friendship::

it can be expected that life does not go as you hope it will.
people in your life come and go.
things that you once loved are no longer of interest.
the ones that bring you most joy drive you completely crazy.
you may feel stupid and insecure as new things take flight.
but there is nothing wrong with you.
there is nothing wrong with me.
my doubt and fears are just my insecurities.
keep being myself and do what i do.
be who i am and see my life through.
i cannot change for anyone nor should i try.
it is really what counts on the inside.
at times i feel discouraged, and unaware of all.
times where i cant stop my thoughts
my mind goes on and on
it feels when people come to realize who i am
they take offense or back away.
i cannot help the fact that i love to give and i love to share.
that i love to serve and i love to care.
it is in my nature to be so dear.
and yet it feels when this happens, i come off too strong.
i do not mean to be but as a result, i second guess my self.
i hold back and i lose myself in despair.
i assume the worst and i cower in self loathing.
i need to accept myself for the person i am
if you think i am hitting on you or being too close,
that is just the way i am
i love to surround myself with positive ora
but friends is all i am looking for-a
nothing more and nothing less
so forgive me for doing my best.
yes i enjoi flirting but who does not dear ones?
it opens up our hearts,
it lowers our walls and lets us all inside.
it helps us be more comfortable with each other
as well as with ourselves.
it should not be frowned upon
nor should it be discouraged in this day.
i reflect too much on things that are past.
i act as though i have done something wrong
i said something stupid or nothing at all
i should not have asked that question or gave that compliment
but that is all how it went.
people and friends perhaps do not even mind
when i say what i say or act how i do
but none the less it is always too few
who really think too much of things,
my self included. it's true.
i have come to the realization i cannot doubt myself
or fake who i am not
even if at times i lose that sight and since have forgot.
i am a good person and i love all around me
i accept everyone for who they are and what they want to be.
i show my love through words and deeds
through service, through gifts,
through virtuosity
i cannot hold back.
you cannot stop a flower from blooming with killing it.
you cannot stop a bird from flying.
so why stop a person from being as they are without them dying?
can you blame me for the person that i am?
i should not be blind nor lose my senses completely.
for if you are my friend, which i hope you are
than now that all my love is heart felt friendship
given to you because i am glad you walked into my life
and what i share and give to you is a bit of my soul,
an answer to a happily ever after wish :)
-12/04/12