the stars:

Proudly I stand an american

on solid ground deciding

underneath me a flag is burning

i clench my fists ever tightly

the sun doth rise over purple mountains

but the sky reaps red this morning

i lift my gaze off the charcoal ground

and brace myself for the gnawing sounds 

one nation under God left defending a lost cause

founding fathers, my brothers who fight knowingly

the war is but selfishly derived

busy cities that thrive on greed

raise children who crave only money

men in suits and ties create more lies

to distract the eyes of our allies

this nations illusion is plain to see

through the history of the ages

founding fathers, my brothers who fight knowingly

to spare the hurt of a tragedy

i stand for right, for my stars and stripes, in the light of a country so blessed and true

so can anyone, choose to run or to take a stand

to remember the history and the dignity,
not this slavery of a free mans land.

Truth be told, your minds are sold

to the ones who claim control

No more will my voice be silent

against a tyrant whose words sligh by

and bring forth more lies.

Proudly i stand an american and today

My pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America 

I will say.

postpone

who would want someone like that?....

fascination. mental frustration and blurry lines.
the one moment you feel a flicker of happiness..

i think the world today is a funny thing. and when you find you the one place of acceptance to be a bright, square box.
the place that ignites the imagination. the dream. and it opens the ideas.
but one thing it lacks: my physical escape.

today i thought about the ignition of a phrase, or as some would consider a phase.
what people fail to realize is it is not a phase. and as you look back into the years, the signals, the reality is there. every clue unraveled and every answer ripe for the picking.

i do not remember many memories from the early years, but i do remember some.
ones painful, and as in now in my life, memories i refrain from revealing. perhaps such things i will take to my grave....

....
...
...
...
...
...
...

perhaps another time and another place.
the walls have ears.
the internet has eyes.
and my mind has a guilt complex.
how sad to think i cannot even trust a computer screen..

website dating

the funny thing with online dating. it is just a cheap way people make money.
people never commit to the dating experience.
they look at your profile, they read what you write, and then they never talk to you.
maybe they will say hi, and that is it.
i have been on this site multiple times, trying to meet people, not for my sake mind you.
i am not doing this for me.
i am doing this for my family. my religion. for people i have not even met yet.
to try and find a way of acceptance, of love, appreciation.
self sacrifice.
i want to feel like i belong with my family, and am not so different that they have to feel disgusted with me every time i am around. to be looking in the face of a disaster, disgust, abomination.
and yet, i feel even worse than ever.
they ARE looking in the eyes of a disaster because behind closed doors, behind this exterior, i am tearing myself apart. piece by piece.
and this website is not helping.
a waste of money. a waste of time.
people look, and you can see who looks, but they never talk back or respond back.
shallow. guys.
am i not pretty enough for them?
am i too intimidating? too down to earth? to confident?
i do not get it.
girls too for that matter.
i feel like i have so much to give to another person, so much life and experience and love, but i am NEVER given the chance.
people meet me or see my picture and they run away. they make an excuse.
granted, i have my fair amount of times turned people away, but at least i got to know the person first.
truly face to face. hang out IN PERSON. talked IN PERSON. saw each others face IN PERSON.
i always feel if things do not happen, people take one look at me and pass on by, that it is my fault.
there is something wrong with me. i am the problem.
perhaps that is the truth. there IS something wrong, or off.
People can sense that. They have that power.
Guys sense i have a woman attraction. Girls sense i have an insecurity.
but who does not have those things? everyone does on their own level.
i am human. and there is nothing wrong with me.
i am not broken! i am a real human being. i have feelings. i have a voice.
i have a heart and emotions. i get hurt, i fall down, i cry.
and when i see people pass me by for who knows what reason, it hurts.
whether it is meant to be or not, it still hurts when rejection hits.
self-deprivation is what occurs.
"you are too intimidating" "maybe you should be less forward in your view on certain things" "perhaps not be too smart" " act dumber" "you should dress more girly" "wear more heels and make up" " you would be a lot cuter if your hair was longer" " you are too picky." "you are too independent" "you make people nervous" "peoples first impression is you are rude and mean and have that attitude of you are better than everyone" " you are too confident in your skin". "you are out of my league" " i do not want to date you because you are more marriage material and i just want to date." "you are too motherly" "you are not pretty enough" "you are not my type" "you arent girly enough" "you are not easy enough" " you are too hard to read and i do not have the patience" " you are too cold" "you are overwhelming" " you show to much care and interest" "you are one of the guys" "you are just a friend material." "you are like my sister"

all have been said to me on one or more occasion.
I honestly do not know if I should take these as compliments or insults. how many more you and you and you this and you that.
a girl can only take so much rejection: positive and negative: before she begins to doubt herself.
sure, there is someone out there for everyone.
sure people will tell you:
" i do not understand why no one has married you yet" "you are so loving" "you are so nice" "you are beautiful" "you really care for people" " you are a wonderful house person" "you are smart" "you are perfect marriage material" " you are still single? that is crazy!"

the list can go on and on and on.
obviously it is not my time, for any of the above.
'that person is out there; you just have to be patient and not look. it will come to you.'
yea, i have believed in that philosophy my whole life, and look where it has gotten me?
on a chair sitting in front of my computer, writing on a blog, a college graduate with no job and future lined up, poor and so in debt, single, living with the parents, and wondering what is going to happen next.

and all this negativity and self pity and loathing, all from a stupid dating website. i knew i should not have joined and wasted that money and time. how many times do i have to learn?
subconscious rejection by the masses and the internal.

White walls

A room with white walls.
Brown shades. Rug floors.
The house is bare, for a family who does not crave more and more.

A plain and simple lifestyle.
No debt. No fancy things.
They have what they need, and with little, happiness it brings.

A friend who cares more for others than for himself.
Open hearted. Happy all the time.
This kind is rare, and such virtue is not a crime.

A time where the plagues of men rule.
No God. No spiritual force.
This success is mans growth, and no other being sets his course.

A man so foolish.
Eyes closed. Easily persuaded.
Then ruled by the world, and in his desires, he isdictated.

A happy and fulfilled life.
No worldly possessions. No money calls.
It begins with God, a friend, and a room with white walls.

midnight K.iss D.reams

the moment sleep evades you. leaves you, and you lie there in a midst of darkness with nothing but your mind to feed your undesireable emotions and memories that once were a reality, but now are only a film replayed in your imagination.
nothing around you except empty promises, empty films of puffy clouds that are supposed to satisfy your cravings for an escape.
throughout the day you are nothing more than a walking dream, a reality brought to life only when the lights go out and the eyes that focus on the outside will pass back to focus into the inside, where there resides the unconscious matter that controls your mind. your generator.
like most nights, sleep is hard to find. it is almost as a lost item. one that is found randomly through circumstance. but what tonight is the delay? the aggravating truth?
a pondering question that so often strangles my mind. my thoughts. my time.
where are you? why are you gone but yet so close in my mind? why can i not just let you go..your grip so tight on me. almost suffocating, the breath i need is hard to find for i keep falling under water with no way to the surface.
the strength i need i cannot seem to find. the life raft that was in the distance, a mirage to my nature.
who ever thought being in love was such a tragedy? an emotional prison that has no keys or exit strategy. once you feel you have broken loose from the chains, the bars, the torment, you are only beginning the grief. at least in prison you were not alone. you found comfort in the little things. now you struggle to see the light when it is all around you. you are an addict who has quit cold turkey, and now you crave nothing but the sensation of the drug seeping and winding through your veins. the adrenaline. the life. the doped up you.
i cannot see you, but i feel you. what could have been. what should have been. the very loathing enters the excitement of worth. questions reside but no answers are born.
i can go on and on about how you made and make me feel. how i put myself out there, how i fell in love. but this is not a regret nor a soliloquy. more a treatment, an inner discussion, a therapy session.
the best way to clear the mind is said to write it all down. at night, the brain is overflowing with urges, tendencies, ideas.
emotions are racing and the mind a constant flow. just like the tears that rain upon my pillow night after night.
to be overrun with you, i do not need you. i do not need you. why settle for that which slowly broke you, hurt you, and hurt you some more. physically never, but emotionally triumphant.
a bond that was broken, a trust that never sealed. nor a wound that can now ever heal.
for when you give your all, your heart mind and soul, and it has no protection....the elements of life can be cruel. detrimental. a disaster. deadly.
for no one will ever match what the imagination of my hopes and dreams can muster of you.
nothing can ever be what i wanted. needed. deserved.
no one a match. no one a replacement.
for the image of you, the idea of us is too strong a brand.
and yet the reality is as blurry and buried as the ancient folks of old.
the power of a stitch that unweaves throughout time. the stitches can close a wound, but the scar will ever remain. a reminder. a token. a symbol for that which is lost.
a chance denied. a roll of the dice which lost the round.
i have never been the gambling kind. my luck is as a blind man seeing.
how i wish to take that step forward instead of backwards. when backwards is the safest way to fall, for when you fall back you can see up. if you fall forward, you see nothing.

ED

unmotivated.
undisciplined.
agitated.
summarized.
defeated.
trudged.
trampled.
founded.
plagued.
practiced.
observed.
blessed.
worshipped.
decided.
intrigued.
possessed.
drugged.
divided.
disclosed.
informed.
pursued.
painted.
scared.
stoned.
hungered.
starved.
dehydrated.
broked.
bounded.
surrounded.
backed.
tricked.
lied.
betrayed.
powered.
ended.

Junction::

everyone reaches that point in their life when they are at a crossroads. a junction. a no where to go but left or right.
i mean technically you can go backwards, but then where will that get you except back to where you started from..unless there was a road somewhere back you passed along your journey and you think just about now that road is the road you should have taken all along.
but that is beside the point, a junction is in your path and you are unsure of the way to go.
even when you passed that other road a ways back, you probably contemplated on which way would be the best way.
perhaps this happens more than once in a lifetime. for me, it happens frequently, but at this particular moment in my life, i am indeed at a dilemma. i am stuck.
i can sit here scratching my head for hours, pros and cons of choosing either way.
but eventually, i am going to have to make a decision. i am, however, afraid of making the wrong one.
who knows what each road has to offer, what obstacles, what paths, and what people are along the way.
that is a risk we all take.

there are a lot of people who say that prayer is the best answer to such dilemmas.
God answers prayers. this i know to be true.
however, Gods' answers are not always how we would like them to be, and they do not happen in our frame of time, but His own.
But God is not going to choose which road " I " will go down.
God can only make you feel good about your decision, or bad about it.
i do not mean feel bad as in " by the power vested in me, and the thunder and rain in the sky, you are going to regret your decision". i believe it is a more of an uneasy feeling. " maybe you should not have chosen this. it may not have been the best decision in your life. maybe you should try and find a way to make this right."
He helps you to feel good about things. to make things right.
BUT only i can make the decision. and there are those decisions in life where it does not really matter which way i choose, because in reality, they both are a good path and i have to choose what i feel is better for me.
God won't make me feel good or bad about my decision. but He will support me, and help me on my journey.
this is my hardship at the moment. i am at that point. it does not matter what i choose, i just NEED to choose something.
It is like going cliff jumping for your first time.
It takes courage to climb the cliff and pump your self up for the jump.
Then when you finally reach the point where you must jump, you start second guessing yourself.
You are scared to make the leap, scared of all the "what ifs".
After you stand there for so long, you realize you CAN do it, and after a few more quick breathes you take the leap!!!
As you fall you are embracing yourself for the impact, and right when you hit the water, you knew that is was worth it.the free fall, the adrenaline, the excitement.
Needless to say you had so much fun you probably are going to do it again!

Life takes courage. And many moments to pump us up.it is natural to contemplate, but eventually, you have to move forward.
You cannot sit at the top of the cliff, cold and unsure and too afraid to make a difference.
Sometimes the leap is the hardest part, but once it is made, the fun is only starting to begin :)