not as easy as an easy bake oven

change is harder than it people say it is. it is no easy switch. and ladies and gentlemen this is probably the hardest thing to do. i know i need to change, but i never thought it would be so hard. and the support system is not as great as i had hoped. i am not strong enough to change on my own, and after tonight...the one person who you thought could talk you out of something ignores you....but it is not your fault and it probably was unintentional. i set myself up for it from the beginning. i knew i was in trouble from the get go, but i needed that support. and you ignored me. it is not your fault. i know this. it is my own. but thank you for being there for me when i needed you the most. it really means a lot to me....:/

weird. my neighbor is screaming to get the F$*&% out of the apartment complex. " you have 30 seconds to F-ing walk away!!!!" wow. somebody is angry and not in a good mood. i would go outside but i have a feeling i might get shot. or yelled at. eeekk. they need to keep their voices down. people are trying to sleep. :) haha. jk but seriously. the poor noisy children who live next door may wake up!!

i wish there was someone i could talk to..someone who understood what i am going through. no one truly understands. hell, i do not even understand what is going on. all i know is i want to change but i am not strong enough to do it. obviously. :/

Dear God, hear my prayer, I am tired of living a lie and being somebody I am not. I am sorry for the person I have become and for the life I am living. I never thought things would come to this, that I would feel the way I do, that I would be so blind to the truth. I have blinded myself with the ways of the world, the way they want you to believe the only to be happy is. I know what true happiness feels like, and how to obtain it. I do not know why I rebel so much. I cannot help the way I feel. It seems one small decision leads to a life of failure. I know I was not created to be a failure. I am a daughter of God and I know I have a purpose on this Earth. That I was created for a reason, I have a mission, and right now I have not been living my life to the standard I know I should be living. I can do so much better, I was created for good, not evil. But why do I feel this way? Why must I try to fit in when I was born to stand out, even though I do not want to stand out, but just be me. I want to love everyone, I want to be loved by everyone. I just have lost my boundary. I have lost the line of how to love without "loving". I have lost the ability to say " NO " and how to be what you created me to be: an instrument in thy hand. I feel more as a chizzle, chipping and breaking something powerful into small and insignificant pieces, useless and un-retainable and un-constructable. I am a daughter of thee, and I am a good person...although at this moment I do not feel as one. I feel lost and unsure and scared of what is to become of me.I am afraid to do what I know is right for my pride and stubborness is getting in the way. For what I want and what I know to be right are not the same thing, completely different in a ways. I know what I must do, but I am afraid to make the change and the journey. I am afraid I will not be able to handle it. For I have tried before, and I have failed, too easily in fact. The advisary knows me better than I know myself. I have no faith in myself, no conviction. All I have is a prayer. A prayer in my heart that I know I can do better, and I want to. I however am having a hard time believing in myself, as well as in thy power and thy love. I know everything happens for a reason...I just do not see how this works. This suffereing is non-stop. Just when I think I have moved on, it returns. It is like I create it for myself. I thrive off of pain, I self inflict and I know it. I know you are listening, and I do not want to do anything stupid. Help me believe in myself. Help me love my neighbors and help me love myself. Bless those you have put into my life and help them become strong.
Help me to love those who hurt me. They do not do it intentionally. Bless my family and bless my friends. Thank you for this life and the wonderfull things I have in my life. Thank you for my schooling, my job, my family, my health, my friends, and my love for thee. Help me to be a better example and follower of thee and thy gospel. Help me to love those around me and forgive 70X7. Forgive our trespasses and bless our hearts and minds.

the little things

halloween day:

my mother and both my grandmothers came to tucson to surprise me!! and believe me it was a HUGE surprise! there was nothing else that could have made me so happy...except one thing. my mother bought me white tulips. can you believe it? she does not read my blog!!!! it was an answer to a prayer. she said she woke up that morning and thought i need to go see kendi today. i could not believe it. my mother is so in tune with the spirit. i am so thankful for her. i love her so much. i literally wanted to cry all day after my grandmothers and her left.

i also got to see my sister, brother in law and 3 of my nephews. it was incredible! it really was a great halloween. i could not have asked for anything more spectacular. i got to spend it with my family and that was fantastic. PLUS i got my tulips and i am looking at them right now. they are absolutely B-E-A-utiful. i just LOVE LOVE LOVE tulips. hehehehe.

i worked out tonight and then i took a really hot steaming shower. it was magic. i am telling you it was MAGIC!! my whole body feels so relaxed and flimsy. i know that i am going to sleep fantastic tonight i cannot wait. i have to get up really early because i have a music history listening exam tomorrow and needless to say, i have not studied AT ALL for it. so i am going to do it tomorrow morning. Hooray! does not really matter if i study or not because i never do good on them anyways. and that is the truth ladies and gentlemen. i never get over a 7 on the quizes. Schweet!

i have reunited so to speak with a coworker of mine and i have to admit i am SO thankful that things are cool between us. yesterday she came and gave me a hug, which is rare in the first place, and i just wanted to cry. first my mother came to town with tulips, and then i had my friend be my friend again with a hug. i was so toouched!!! i never meant to hurt her or anything, that was never my intention, but she was hurt and i felt awful. me as a person i like to talk about things and get it off my chest right away, but i could not pull myself to do it. she was so mad at me and i reacted not as i should have. i should have been positive about the whole thing, but then so many other people started creating drama in my life. or i can say i created drama in my life. it was just one big mess, with people being mad at me at school, church, and work.....the one place i have to get away from the hellish life of my brain, my life, school, and people. work sad to say is like my sanctuary and i am so thankful to have a job with people who are just amazing. i love everyone i work with and i have nothing negative to say about any of them...honestly. like people, i get annoyed and sometimes just want to be away for a tiny bit, but i love them all and they are really good people. i am truly blessed and i honestly thank god all the time for putting them into my life. i am just so thankful we are friends again. not to say we ever weren't, things were just not the same. she is a great gal. she has a good heart and is so funny i cannot believe it. not to sound creepish but there are just some people in this world that things just hit off right away. you get along immediately. she was one of those people for me. my other coworkers it took awhile for us to get close, but her and i just hit it off. nice. maybe it is because she likes to make fun of me hahahaha. anyways, good to have work life back on my side again!!!

it has been a good day.

a flower of warmth

i am sitting here in my bedroom, thinking how amazing it would to receive some flowers. i know i am allergic to most flower pollen(allergies...yes!!!) but i do not care. i would just cry if i received some tulips or star-gazer lilies, they are my favorite flowers. Tulips are however my favorite flower.How awesome would it be to go to a tulip field? like in the Netherlands??? this is absolutely gorgeous and i would LOVE to visit a place like this. it is a dream of mine, one of my top places to visit in the world, along with the vineyards of France. :) i seriously would cry if i received some tulips. a bouqeut of tulips...or even a single tulip would be so heart warming and i would feel so loved. it is hard for to feel that way right now, which probably could explain my weird thoughts of wanting flowers...or even a hug...or just someone to hold me while i cried...just someone to talk to :/


did you know::: Tulips are symbolic of fame and perfect love. The symbolic meanings also change with the color of the tulips.

Red tulips mean "believe me" and are a declaration of true love.
Variegated tulips mean "you have beautiful eyes."
Yellow tulips mean "there's sunshine in your smile" and cheerful thoughts. Cream colored tulips mean "I will love you forever." White tulips symbolize heaven, newness and purity. Purple tulips symbolize royalty. Pink tulips mean affection and caring. Orange tulips mean energy, enthusiasm, desire, and passion.

i would just love some tulips right now. i really need to smile. i have been under the weather since saturday night. it does not make it any better that my mind will not SHUT UP!! i wish i could be a vegetable for a couple days...a mental vegetable that is. :) to not think about anything, to not feel anything, it would be grand :) but i have a huge headache, and my stomach is twisting in knots. and i just want flowers!!!! i tried to work out earlier, since that really helps me to feel better, but it only made things worse. i think i am killing myself, making myself sick. i am so beat up and tired, mentally sick that my physical body is reacting to it. and honestly, i think i am going to be sick for a while because i am just going to give in to it. i am not going to go to school tomorrow, even though it is halloween. i will go to work though. if i am not throwing up or anything. besides, those gals make me smile so it might do me some good.

tulips bloom at the beginning of spring, so they are symbols of a new beginning. it is funny because the tulip is the most loved flower on the earth. and when people think of the tulip, they associate it with comfort and coziness. i think this is why i love the tulip so much. it makes me feel comfort, warmth, love. whenever i see tulips i just light up. perhap this is why i would love some right now.

work out

so i am officially in love with working out. i just did 2 hours at the rec center. i have missed it so. it was great to sweat and get out some frustration. i really need that in my life right now. i cannot believe i have gone as long as i have with out it! that was a big mistake and i will not do that again!! :) it is amazing how much better i feel. it is AMAZING! :D

i dont mind the weather
i've got scarfs and caps and sweaters
i've got long johns under slacks blustery days

i think that its brainless to assume
that making changes to your windows view
will give a new perspective

and the hardest part is yet to come

i don't mind restrictions
or if you're blacking out the friction
it's just an escape it's overrated anyways

the hardest part is yet to come
when you will cross the country alone.

great

f&#% this. forget everything that i typed earlier. i am done. i am DONE i am telling you. there is nothing more disturbing than knowing that you completely are living proof of disaster. no one to turn to..no one to talk to...no one who understands you. i am a walking time bomb i am going to admit it. after tonight, i cannot handle it. i cannot look at myself in a respectful manner. i have come to the conclusion that i am lost and i shall forever remain that way. i am not as strong as i should be....i am very weak. i am a weak person and i cannot handle it. i cannot handle the pressure. i cannot handle the diversity.i cannot handle ME! i used to be comfortable with me....but i can see how ME is a big no no and everything about me is a disaster. i need to get away from everyone....from everything. i try to hard to fit in instead of just being me.

i try to be someone i am not. i do not see what is the problem. why me? why can i not just be happy for once in my god damn life? what is the fucking problem!?!?!? i am tired of fake. i want the REAL.

one thing is real. and i am not proud of it.....but the sharp edge brings back the sense that pain is real and i can feel....i can still feel pain......

say it again

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~~

people suck and it is affirmed. i burnt my whole left hand today while cleaning the grill and i think i may scream. my hand is in so much pain. it really put me in a bummed out mood at work today. i feel bad for my co-workers. my hand hurts so bad. i seriously have huge blisters all over it! it looks like i have leporasy! haha. funny. i need to put some ointment on it. sheesha.
played volleyball tonight and it was SICK! i love volleyball. it was a grand ole time indeed. now i have to go to bed to get up in the morning to FINALLY work out. i am going to do it...i have to do it tomorrow morning or i may freak out. :D

i am just going to end with these lyrics from Chiddy Bang::

Eh, check the plans out
We work hard
I ain't asking for a handout
If I hit the booth I don't have to pass them grams out
And beat her well when the other thoughts ran out
They say they lost words
I got them puzzled like the cross-word
Harvard
I'm nuts, George Washington Carver
But you can never pay a boss peanuts
If it gets messy be prepared for the cleanup
But this thing called success is so strange
Because you can get notoriety and still ride the train
Make it in it's entirety and search for the fame
But I'm still Michael Phelps swimmin' in my lane
Where's Lois?
Me, I'm Superman,I'm just here to save the day
Or at least I thought I was
Til I flew in the save her
And met my opponent
I'm fighting with myself
Don't offer the condolence
I'm Dreamin


We Chasin' the dream
So what is life the diamonds and the gleam
Get a job while I'm doing it
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it
And things ain't what it seem
Make money to spend it
I got my scheme
Work hard while we doin' it
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it

It too haunting
The task is daunting
Trying to get the labels on board while flaunting
But, let's make some music make some money
Get the rides
European ties, have models for wives
Sometimes I feel fated to pretend
Unsafe 'cause my crib is far from gated in
I'm a relic believe slightly the psychedelic
If I could take off would you consider me angelic
Hysteric
I'm the subject and the predicate
They hatin' on me tell me wheres the etiquette
If you Goliath, I don't have to prove I'm better than
I play David, I'm a forth year letter man
So Let em' in, can you hear me knocking on the door
Hard to breathe at this altitude where the oxygen is poor
Think Benz, I don't know what Pontiac means
And this is what happens when an insomniac dreams


We Chasin' the dream
So what is life the diamonds and the gleam
Get a job while I'm doing
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it
And things ain't what it seem
Make money to spend it
I got my scheme
Work hard while we doin' it
Promise to stay true in it
Doin' it
But never let another soul ruin it

to be clear

Do you know how hard it is to type on an ipod during work?! SUPER HARD!
i just read over my post and there are so many mistakes! haha. i think it is really funny though. i love how the spell check just picked random words that it THOUGHT i was typing. what is a "nit"? no clue :)

i just wanted to add on to my last post. i was at work so i had to work so my post was short. i wanted to clarify some things.

FIRST::: i am a totaly flirt and i know that. :) but i do not do that intentionally. it seems i only hear that from women. guys never seem to notice.....?? i am just accepting of everyone and i love everyone. i treat everyone equal. that is just my personality. if that is called "flirting" well then so be it! i embrace it haha.

i have come to the conclusion, i have PROBLEMS! hahaha thank you thank you it is confirmed. Kendi van de graaff is not perfect and i lOVES IT! i think i have figured out why i am so happy this year? i think it has to do with the fact that i have finally accepted who i am. i am not trying to be somebody i am not. i am not hiding anything or being secretive. i am 100% open and blunt about my life and i have come to terms and peace with a lot of my past. i have nothing to be ashamed of and i embrace who i am. i love who i am! it is a breath of fresh air to be...ME! not the person everyone wants me to be...i am who i am! it is not necessarily the ideal person, the person i ever saw myself being, but it is me! I have accepted it. it is a great feeling. if people do not like it, well, that is there problem not mine. i do not need to worry myself with what people think. it is none of my business anyways. haha. right. meow.

Thank you thank you to the wonderful Eminem! i am listening to him right and it always opens my mind when i listen to him. Weird i know, but his music reminds me so much of my brother who passed away. he is the one who introduced me and my family pretty much to Eminem. I have been listening to him since he first came out..i was so little and young. goodness gracious. :) what wonderful things i was exposed to at such a young age haha. so SOOOOO many things it is hard to believe. that could explain so many things of how i am the way i am. hahaha so many things.

anyways, i need to get to bed and wake up early tomorrow morning. i tried doing my homework, but the music library closed at 10 and my computer does not allow the video lecture to play. my computer HATES me. so i need to go to the school early and get it done before 930am. yay for me and my week that has NOT AT ALL been very relaxing. i still have not had any sleep and calmed down and relaxed from my rought last 2 weeks and traveling. my goodness, i need to sleep and recooperate! when shall this happen?!?!?!?! ZZZzzZZzzZZZzzzZzzZzzzzzzzz JUST LOSE IT!