Inside::

These walls need color. These walls need a splash of soul to drown the silence on them.
Perhaps there is something missing. It feels almost empty, as there is nothing to give them life.
It has never bothered me before. But now as I sit here, it has come to me. As almost a new spark of energy. I know what Can chance this scene. But how to get it here?
There are a few whose inner beauty can bring something more. There are a few who can make this room bring me a since of purpose. Their works can bring a new light to this dull, barren view.

Behind their masks they hold a cure. I can feel it in their veins. It almost fuels me. It moves me.
Each breath makes them stronger, and by touch alone I am envious of this. Together we can create a resting place. Together, our minds as one, the energy can be brought out. We can share our passions. One might say a collaboration of artists, making something old into something new.

An idea! It all starts with an idea. This idea can grow and dig its way into the subconscious. It burrows itself into the inner workings of the brain. And fed properly, it can grow. But how to get this beauty out? The options are few, but there is one way to make it free. The sight it can bring. The wisdom it can hold. Not to mention the life force affecting all those who come into contact with it. The sight alone can bring one to tears. It could make one reflect on life. To remember what life is all about. It can bring forth a mans desires. It can unlock the hidden animal. It may, oh it just may, empower the weaker class.

Of course by weaker class I refer only to those who are too afraid to see the potentials, the responsibilities, the abilities they harbor within themselves. The opportunity to change one moment and make a mark, their mark, on history alone. One small act can release it. Release the years of hiding. Break the chains of what they are meant to become for each are meant to fulfill a purpose.

But yet, they hide. We hide. I hide. But here, within these bare walls I will hide No more. What do I fear? Victims of ourselves? Or geniuses in the making. The inner workings of a mind can never be deciphered. I am but what I am. And sitting here, it has come to me. It makes, what some would diagnose, an insanity claim. But I see it more as a logical shot. A perfect kill to the source. Clean. Cut. Well planned and executed.

I am fed by the notion of new and exciting times. I contemplate, I rationally whip up the ingredients to a new day of age. There is no fear. There is no need to hide behind society and what they feel is practical. It makes sense!! Can you not see  what it means to set the mind free?

Brainwashed by the times. Calmed to how you are supposed to act. And supposed to react. But what is that all for? The purpose? To be like everyone else? I say I am doing the world a favor. To show we are not all the same. We are not what we appear to be. But the clues we leave behind, who reads them? Can what you really feel and see and think and brew inside really be understood except by you alone? It is not what makes a man a man. Flesh.bone. Nerves. Blood in us all.

Oh the pleasure to see it now. There, on these walls to start. Etched in the grains of this day. The beauty of what is inside. I can see it.  The sight it brings. The magnetism that flows and bubbles though the core. It is beautiful. Simple and natural. We have it in us all. I can bring it out of you. What flows beneath your outer layer. It is time to let it out. To let it breathe. And where better to start  Than now. Right here. With my hand. With my presence ever absorbing and filtering its path. You help me. You make life better. But do not worry, I cannot take credit alone for this work of art, as I want to call it. You will be remembered as well as I. We just have to be patient until someone will find us. Piece by piece, with all our tasks, and moment by moment we will wait to be recognized for the mark we will make on history.

So...for now...let me...nigh, let us lie here and breathe the victory of our accomplishment in these rooms now painted with our life's work. There is no better scene than this alone. What everyone wants to see, but is too afraid to let it be shown. I thank you for your Being. Your energy. You have helped me break out. And now, everyone can see. True beauty.

Again::

You thought maybe the tides had turned
The feelings that drive you crazy
They swarm my brain with endless friction
The constant cravings to my pathetic addictions
Yet underneath the violet covered sky
And hidden from the eyes of heavens light
I lie face down in my pillows doing my best to hide my cries
From the monsters waiting in the night.
Outside my door they breathe like death
I am not safe
These demons patient to break on in
And let my inner destruction begin.
One by one they filter through the cracks
They break the barcades
One by one they take a bite
And suck out my meaning of life

Trapped in a place where I can't escape
My mind my alpha fear
The practical imagery it sets in line
It will beat me every time.
Who in their right mind would understand
Or take the moment of surprise
To yield their swords and defense
And save a soul lost in her own grievance
Fading slowly but falling faster than before.
So stupid. So useless and insecure
It begins just like it does each round.
MUsic in the background. Darkness in the room.
A dampened heart and an upset mind.
Here it goes one more time.

brief::

save it for the queen and the court 

this is not the last resort

the day is just beginning and the night will only come

when you finish the journey you are on and return to where you came from.

home is where the heart is. and where the walls are tall, the foundations solid. the people are happy and love surrounds. home is the desert heat. home is the cities huge.

home is the back seat of a traveling bus. home is the mountains sweet. 

play the game and roll the dice. run around like cat and mice. pinch the skin and pull the taffy. one more day will make this dream and life more happy.

commitment:

I take a look at the things that have occurred through out my time here, events and deals that have taken a toll on my life, my character, and my soul. To adapt to ones surroundings is what we do, what we were born to do. there is nothing wrong with adapting, trying to fit in to our natural habitat. BUt what if I was not born to fit in with the crowd, to be like everyone else. There is always one who was born to be different, we all were in fact. But it takes one to stand above the rest to set the path for change. It is through one persons act of confidence that leads a trend, that sets the path, that creates the movement and pursues the dream. It is a hard concept to grasp, harder to comprehend. For it is hard to put forth your foot, to take that first step into a place as cloudy, dark and musty as a street with no light. Complete darkness. But you know there is no other way to reach your safety zone without walking down this street. You know the way, but you cannot see the obstacles, the uncertainty that hides in the shadows, that is waiting for you to trip over, to grab you, to keep you from your relief and security. Of course, you will try to find another way home but you know there is only one real way. You can stall yourself as long as you want, but the wait is not getting any easier. I can feel the need to make it home. I know I am not meant to be like everyone else. I know I am a leader. To be a leader is sometimes meant to stand alone. But just because you stand alone does not mean you are lonely. For you are never alone. The leap, or in this case step of faith, of hope, of clarity, is the hardest part. But the first attempt will not be shot down. Make the commitment and the resistance will be lessened and your yearning for closure and relief will set in. Make for yourself the safe haven and feel at ease. Be at peace. 

Unreal:

You have convinced yourself the hardest thing,
To defy the strongest feeling.
To turn your back on the nicest seed,
And destroy love given, which you need.

To paint the lover with a tarnished brush,
Take his personality, and crush,
Bend, distort so all good is hidden
So evil comes forth, false and unbidden.

That evil in small amounts is common
In all people, no matter where from.
If you look for it, you will find in all
The ability to hurt, maim and maul.

But suppress the evil and look for good.
In an ideal world, all people should,
And you will see the love, the care, the best
Evil turns to dust when facing the rest

So I beg you to look again at me
with no prejudice, let your mind be free,
For within me you will see and find
Someone who is loving, caring and kind

Revelation:

Why is it when know something will hurt us, we embrace it with open arms into our lives instead of running as fast as we can without looking back?

Perhaps it is easier to accept the heart ache than to run. 

Perhaps it is punishment to ourselves

We do it so we can feel hurt and pain and negativity because that is where we feel loved and accepted. We create that environment for ourselves, by the way we hope and want to be loved. 

This shows we as people really care about ourselves, we do love ourself only in a way we subconsciously hide from our self.

The love we have for ourself is too focused on the negative aspects of our lives, emotions, situations, and wrong doings that when we do something right, feel something right or want to do right it means nothing. 

Love is a seperate being, fed entirely on different aspects of our lives. It feels greater, it knows everything and blinds easily. It has no limits even though it is hard to see around it. It cares. It takes the beating. It dries the tears. It bleeds the life from our wounds yet takes the beating from the bad.

The pain, the hurt, the misery, the heart ache we create for ourselves is loved by no other than ourself. We love ourselves so much we create love and formulate it into people in our lives and imagine them caring for us, if they knew the pain we were and are feeling. We both hate on our selves and love our selves at the same time. We create the situation in every possible way. A whole world inside our own mind. Feeling every emotion, the closest way to have a pure and enlightened out of body experience. 

For without Love there can be no life. Love is Life as Life is Love. All through-out life we are taught, we teach ourselves, we experience, we grow, we explore, we learn how to love. 

Love is the essence of our being. The path of our Lives. We are searching for love. We are finding Love. We are blinded by Love. We are tricked by Love. We are Resurrected: We are Forgiven: We are Punished: and We are Saved by Love.

But see how scary it is to love, be afraid of love. It takes you places you have never traveled, feel things you thought were a story. And when you feel it is the only way, it tricks you into believing it was love where really it was a mirage, a circle path. It took you now where, and it lead you false. A friend you thought you had, but an enemy more the less. But out of the ashes, your love finds you and lifts you from the piles. It builds you up, restores your glow. Your path is clear in view and your shine as pure as snow.

Your only handle to the reality you live. Your love backs you up as you struggle to regain your stand. But to always know that even when love tears you up and strikes you down, it will always catch you before you hit the ground. This Love you grow to know and find will fight the fight, whether good or bad. But will never let you face this world alone. 

Your Prosecutor. Your Judge and Jury. Your Defender. Love Always.

The Game::

Time tells a story

a story that’s bigger than us here

A beginning it holds

An end is in sight

You hold your cards close to your chest

The hand you have been dealt

The way you play each one

A trick of life or death

 You mask your fear

You hide your bluff

Your eyes are calm

Your hands are steady

The heart beats constant

To win is the goal

Each contestant at this table

Has a tick to tock

Their beats are noble

As noble as yours

But will they take you

The surprise you dread

The play that determines it all

The dealer watches silently

He cannot intervene

He watches each play 

Behind his power of the cards

Each card he deals

Becomes your fate

Or becomes your break

No matter the risk

You come back for more

The adrenaline draws you

The mystery grasps you

Each opponent your envy

And your stepping stone

You give your worth

You bet it all

You play it cool

You feel the cards at risk

What have you to lose?

What have you to win?

No one knows 

No one can tell

These cards you hold

You master their weight

Each curve you feel

They are your moment

For the Gamble is lifes toll

And the game is what you make it to be.

To walk away unscarred

To breathe a moment won

Or a minute lost

Each outcome a mistake

The play of Kings.

The game of nations.

A game no less.

Time is what you have

Every minute that passes by

Your next move is at hand

How will you play?

the stars:

Proudly I stand an american

on solid ground deciding

underneath me a flag is burning

i clench my fists ever tightly

the sun doth rise over purple mountains

but the sky reaps red this morning

i lift my gaze off the charcoal ground

and brace myself for the gnawing sounds 

one nation under God left defending a lost cause

founding fathers, my brothers who fight knowingly

the war is but selfishly derived

busy cities that thrive on greed

raise children who crave only money

men in suits and ties create more lies

to distract the eyes of our allies

this nations illusion is plain to see

through the history of the ages

founding fathers, my brothers who fight knowingly

to spare the hurt of a tragedy

i stand for right, for my stars and stripes, in the light of a country so blessed and true

so can anyone, choose to run or to take a stand

to remember the history and the dignity,
not this slavery of a free mans land.

Truth be told, your minds are sold

to the ones who claim control

No more will my voice be silent

against a tyrant whose words sligh by

and bring forth more lies.

Proudly i stand an american and today

My pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America 

I will say.

postpone

who would want someone like that?....

fascination. mental frustration and blurry lines.
the one moment you feel a flicker of happiness..

i think the world today is a funny thing. and when you find you the one place of acceptance to be a bright, square box.
the place that ignites the imagination. the dream. and it opens the ideas.
but one thing it lacks: my physical escape.

today i thought about the ignition of a phrase, or as some would consider a phase.
what people fail to realize is it is not a phase. and as you look back into the years, the signals, the reality is there. every clue unraveled and every answer ripe for the picking.

i do not remember many memories from the early years, but i do remember some.
ones painful, and as in now in my life, memories i refrain from revealing. perhaps such things i will take to my grave....

....
...
...
...
...
...
...

perhaps another time and another place.
the walls have ears.
the internet has eyes.
and my mind has a guilt complex.
how sad to think i cannot even trust a computer screen..

website dating

the funny thing with online dating. it is just a cheap way people make money.
people never commit to the dating experience.
they look at your profile, they read what you write, and then they never talk to you.
maybe they will say hi, and that is it.
i have been on this site multiple times, trying to meet people, not for my sake mind you.
i am not doing this for me.
i am doing this for my family. my religion. for people i have not even met yet.
to try and find a way of acceptance, of love, appreciation.
self sacrifice.
i want to feel like i belong with my family, and am not so different that they have to feel disgusted with me every time i am around. to be looking in the face of a disaster, disgust, abomination.
and yet, i feel even worse than ever.
they ARE looking in the eyes of a disaster because behind closed doors, behind this exterior, i am tearing myself apart. piece by piece.
and this website is not helping.
a waste of money. a waste of time.
people look, and you can see who looks, but they never talk back or respond back.
shallow. guys.
am i not pretty enough for them?
am i too intimidating? too down to earth? to confident?
i do not get it.
girls too for that matter.
i feel like i have so much to give to another person, so much life and experience and love, but i am NEVER given the chance.
people meet me or see my picture and they run away. they make an excuse.
granted, i have my fair amount of times turned people away, but at least i got to know the person first.
truly face to face. hang out IN PERSON. talked IN PERSON. saw each others face IN PERSON.
i always feel if things do not happen, people take one look at me and pass on by, that it is my fault.
there is something wrong with me. i am the problem.
perhaps that is the truth. there IS something wrong, or off.
People can sense that. They have that power.
Guys sense i have a woman attraction. Girls sense i have an insecurity.
but who does not have those things? everyone does on their own level.
i am human. and there is nothing wrong with me.
i am not broken! i am a real human being. i have feelings. i have a voice.
i have a heart and emotions. i get hurt, i fall down, i cry.
and when i see people pass me by for who knows what reason, it hurts.
whether it is meant to be or not, it still hurts when rejection hits.
self-deprivation is what occurs.
"you are too intimidating" "maybe you should be less forward in your view on certain things" "perhaps not be too smart" " act dumber" "you should dress more girly" "wear more heels and make up" " you would be a lot cuter if your hair was longer" " you are too picky." "you are too independent" "you make people nervous" "peoples first impression is you are rude and mean and have that attitude of you are better than everyone" " you are too confident in your skin". "you are out of my league" " i do not want to date you because you are more marriage material and i just want to date." "you are too motherly" "you are not pretty enough" "you are not my type" "you arent girly enough" "you are not easy enough" " you are too hard to read and i do not have the patience" " you are too cold" "you are overwhelming" " you show to much care and interest" "you are one of the guys" "you are just a friend material." "you are like my sister"

all have been said to me on one or more occasion.
I honestly do not know if I should take these as compliments or insults. how many more you and you and you this and you that.
a girl can only take so much rejection: positive and negative: before she begins to doubt herself.
sure, there is someone out there for everyone.
sure people will tell you:
" i do not understand why no one has married you yet" "you are so loving" "you are so nice" "you are beautiful" "you really care for people" " you are a wonderful house person" "you are smart" "you are perfect marriage material" " you are still single? that is crazy!"

the list can go on and on and on.
obviously it is not my time, for any of the above.
'that person is out there; you just have to be patient and not look. it will come to you.'
yea, i have believed in that philosophy my whole life, and look where it has gotten me?
on a chair sitting in front of my computer, writing on a blog, a college graduate with no job and future lined up, poor and so in debt, single, living with the parents, and wondering what is going to happen next.

and all this negativity and self pity and loathing, all from a stupid dating website. i knew i should not have joined and wasted that money and time. how many times do i have to learn?
subconscious rejection by the masses and the internal.

White walls

A room with white walls.
Brown shades. Rug floors.
The house is bare, for a family who does not crave more and more.

A plain and simple lifestyle.
No debt. No fancy things.
They have what they need, and with little, happiness it brings.

A friend who cares more for others than for himself.
Open hearted. Happy all the time.
This kind is rare, and such virtue is not a crime.

A time where the plagues of men rule.
No God. No spiritual force.
This success is mans growth, and no other being sets his course.

A man so foolish.
Eyes closed. Easily persuaded.
Then ruled by the world, and in his desires, he isdictated.

A happy and fulfilled life.
No worldly possessions. No money calls.
It begins with God, a friend, and a room with white walls.

midnight K.iss D.reams

the moment sleep evades you. leaves you, and you lie there in a midst of darkness with nothing but your mind to feed your undesireable emotions and memories that once were a reality, but now are only a film replayed in your imagination.
nothing around you except empty promises, empty films of puffy clouds that are supposed to satisfy your cravings for an escape.
throughout the day you are nothing more than a walking dream, a reality brought to life only when the lights go out and the eyes that focus on the outside will pass back to focus into the inside, where there resides the unconscious matter that controls your mind. your generator.
like most nights, sleep is hard to find. it is almost as a lost item. one that is found randomly through circumstance. but what tonight is the delay? the aggravating truth?
a pondering question that so often strangles my mind. my thoughts. my time.
where are you? why are you gone but yet so close in my mind? why can i not just let you go..your grip so tight on me. almost suffocating, the breath i need is hard to find for i keep falling under water with no way to the surface.
the strength i need i cannot seem to find. the life raft that was in the distance, a mirage to my nature.
who ever thought being in love was such a tragedy? an emotional prison that has no keys or exit strategy. once you feel you have broken loose from the chains, the bars, the torment, you are only beginning the grief. at least in prison you were not alone. you found comfort in the little things. now you struggle to see the light when it is all around you. you are an addict who has quit cold turkey, and now you crave nothing but the sensation of the drug seeping and winding through your veins. the adrenaline. the life. the doped up you.
i cannot see you, but i feel you. what could have been. what should have been. the very loathing enters the excitement of worth. questions reside but no answers are born.
i can go on and on about how you made and make me feel. how i put myself out there, how i fell in love. but this is not a regret nor a soliloquy. more a treatment, an inner discussion, a therapy session.
the best way to clear the mind is said to write it all down. at night, the brain is overflowing with urges, tendencies, ideas.
emotions are racing and the mind a constant flow. just like the tears that rain upon my pillow night after night.
to be overrun with you, i do not need you. i do not need you. why settle for that which slowly broke you, hurt you, and hurt you some more. physically never, but emotionally triumphant.
a bond that was broken, a trust that never sealed. nor a wound that can now ever heal.
for when you give your all, your heart mind and soul, and it has no protection....the elements of life can be cruel. detrimental. a disaster. deadly.
for no one will ever match what the imagination of my hopes and dreams can muster of you.
nothing can ever be what i wanted. needed. deserved.
no one a match. no one a replacement.
for the image of you, the idea of us is too strong a brand.
and yet the reality is as blurry and buried as the ancient folks of old.
the power of a stitch that unweaves throughout time. the stitches can close a wound, but the scar will ever remain. a reminder. a token. a symbol for that which is lost.
a chance denied. a roll of the dice which lost the round.
i have never been the gambling kind. my luck is as a blind man seeing.
how i wish to take that step forward instead of backwards. when backwards is the safest way to fall, for when you fall back you can see up. if you fall forward, you see nothing.

ED

unmotivated.
undisciplined.
agitated.
summarized.
defeated.
trudged.
trampled.
founded.
plagued.
practiced.
observed.
blessed.
worshipped.
decided.
intrigued.
possessed.
drugged.
divided.
disclosed.
informed.
pursued.
painted.
scared.
stoned.
hungered.
starved.
dehydrated.
broked.
bounded.
surrounded.
backed.
tricked.
lied.
betrayed.
powered.
ended.

Junction::

everyone reaches that point in their life when they are at a crossroads. a junction. a no where to go but left or right.
i mean technically you can go backwards, but then where will that get you except back to where you started from..unless there was a road somewhere back you passed along your journey and you think just about now that road is the road you should have taken all along.
but that is beside the point, a junction is in your path and you are unsure of the way to go.
even when you passed that other road a ways back, you probably contemplated on which way would be the best way.
perhaps this happens more than once in a lifetime. for me, it happens frequently, but at this particular moment in my life, i am indeed at a dilemma. i am stuck.
i can sit here scratching my head for hours, pros and cons of choosing either way.
but eventually, i am going to have to make a decision. i am, however, afraid of making the wrong one.
who knows what each road has to offer, what obstacles, what paths, and what people are along the way.
that is a risk we all take.

there are a lot of people who say that prayer is the best answer to such dilemmas.
God answers prayers. this i know to be true.
however, Gods' answers are not always how we would like them to be, and they do not happen in our frame of time, but His own.
But God is not going to choose which road " I " will go down.
God can only make you feel good about your decision, or bad about it.
i do not mean feel bad as in " by the power vested in me, and the thunder and rain in the sky, you are going to regret your decision". i believe it is a more of an uneasy feeling. " maybe you should not have chosen this. it may not have been the best decision in your life. maybe you should try and find a way to make this right."
He helps you to feel good about things. to make things right.
BUT only i can make the decision. and there are those decisions in life where it does not really matter which way i choose, because in reality, they both are a good path and i have to choose what i feel is better for me.
God won't make me feel good or bad about my decision. but He will support me, and help me on my journey.
this is my hardship at the moment. i am at that point. it does not matter what i choose, i just NEED to choose something.
It is like going cliff jumping for your first time.
It takes courage to climb the cliff and pump your self up for the jump.
Then when you finally reach the point where you must jump, you start second guessing yourself.
You are scared to make the leap, scared of all the "what ifs".
After you stand there for so long, you realize you CAN do it, and after a few more quick breathes you take the leap!!!
As you fall you are embracing yourself for the impact, and right when you hit the water, you knew that is was worth it.the free fall, the adrenaline, the excitement.
Needless to say you had so much fun you probably are going to do it again!

Life takes courage. And many moments to pump us up.it is natural to contemplate, but eventually, you have to move forward.
You cannot sit at the top of the cliff, cold and unsure and too afraid to make a difference.
Sometimes the leap is the hardest part, but once it is made, the fun is only starting to begin :)

unlock::

there is a belief that doors are symbols of a spiritual nature.
like walls, they contain secrets, house protection, and whatever is on the other side is a mystery.
but unlike walls, which tend to be broken down to get to the other side, a door has a key.
to enter and leave as you please.
unlike walls, doors are a pathway to the knowing, to the mysterious.
and these keys are the questions.
if doors represent spiritual matter, and the keys are the questions you ask, then how far is it to think we are the spiritual, we hold the answers.
every question we have ever asked, we knew the answer all along.
deep down in our soul, guarded by a door of unknowing, we knew the secret.
we just needed to ask the right question, and at the right time to unlock that lock.
to see inside the room.
to understand the mystery.
knowledge is a gift.
our soul is a treasure.
but our soul is hungry for the knowledge only we can obtain on this earth.
to understand the mysteries of life.
we can do that. we have the capabilities. perhaps not the right timing, but it is a reassurance that no matter the difficulties, no matter the delays or confusion, we have the keys to unlock that door, to retrieve the answer we long for.
there is no telling how, when, where, or why.
but the universe has a funny way of pulling things together.


past post::

change::

The day drags on. People walk past but to my eye, blurry shapes. Their faces dissolve, as if melting from their structure. These unfamiliar surroundings remind me of nothing. But as I try to clear my mind of it all, thoughts pound at my door, bursting through more violent and determined than before. Pain they bring and raging fire. Hate and spit and a strange dose of despair and lost hope..

To bring yourself to the instant conclusion of your purpose is too clear. Things once your strengths are questioned to even exist. That is not who you are anymore. Truth is, the statement or belief, people change. Our physical state remains the same, my overall appearance remains the same, my name, size, horoscope, these all are me. But my spiritual state, intellectual and emotional state changes. For some the change is constant. People are not the same people they were two years ago, two months ago, probably two days ago. Life influences change. And everyone lives life. To learn is to change. The ultimate conclusion that through life you learn and change.

-11/10/13-

Insanity

Living a double life is a double standard.
Trying to be someone to everyone around you.
There is no easy way to go through with it.
There is no solution or resolution to a happy ending.
Your only reality is your insanity.
Two different people in one body.
Take two birds down with one stone.
A breath of fresh air, to calm your troubled soul.
Never mind the people that get hurt in the process.
The emotional stamina, the swing of personalities.
Te extremes you place on others.
This is not a game, nor is it a coincidence.
I take that back, nothing is a coincidence.
The universe has a funny sense of humor.
They say there are two sides to every story, two sides to your heart failure.
Insanity is just one to put it. A mental disorder is another.
Two sides to every story, maybe there are three.
No one can stand a chance.
No wonder no one can fight the battle that rages inside.
Trust yourself and wall it up.
There is no person who can stand it. Not a one
False problems, incomplete assurances and promises.
Sometimes it is better pushing those you care about away to save yourself from the flame.
People who are flammable sometimes push those who are burning with the fire of life away because they are afraid of being burned.

world war me

it is almost hard to say anything at all. what drives my thoughts, my imaginations, my desires, my emotions. my life is a shell, guarded by a wall too complicated to build and yet, a constant project. this wall is never sturdy, but it is never down. but the tragedy lies not in the ill-constructed wall, but what is on the other side.

walls are supposed to keep harm out and if looked on it in another perspective, to keep harm in. the walls of a prison for example. are they not built to keep those harmful beings inside and away from humanity? or a mental hospital? or even mcdonalds?

the walls are there, regardless if we want them to be or not. it is reality. it is humanity. every wall has a purpose, and every wall has a weakness, figuratively or metaphorically..same thing right?

but why the sudden interest in walls....

there are two sides to every story. there are two of a kind. what happens on one side of the wall and what happens on the other? in life, we put up walls to keep ourselves from being hurt, emotionally, physically. from the beginning of time, walls are a representation of security. each wall serves a different purpose, however. there are always two different perspectives to a wall. those on the outside of a prison wall see it as assiduity, knowing the people on the other side will not harm them. but those are in the inside of those walls, what do they think? those walls are literally a prison, a wrong, an unfair treatment, their new home, their utter demise and doom, their hell. what is so secure about that feeling?

in a matter of speaking, these walls in my past and my future are a constant battle, between myself and i. i break them down, a never ending war. only i know the weaknesses, the answers. and for a brief moment, half of myself will conquer the other half. the two seperates in a hostile agreement. it may seem there is peace, but in reality, it is a dictatorship where the stronger half pulls through. not for long. the wall will eventually grow, slowly but surely. perhaps both halves agree, and the berlin wall will be torn down for real peace? or an outside force will negotiate a truce within me.... until that time, this girl, this human is a walking double threat.
which side will be persuaded, won over, and if that be the case, who is willing to bear through the war of the other half? there is no switzerland in the matter, a neutral party within me. and certainly no france that withdraws from the fight. both sides are fighters, both sides are equally strong. of course they are, because they both are me.



friendship::

it can be expected that life does not go as you hope it will.
people in your life come and go.
things that you once loved are no longer of interest.
the ones that bring you most joy drive you completely crazy.
you may feel stupid and insecure as new things take flight.
but there is nothing wrong with you.
there is nothing wrong with me.
my doubt and fears are just my insecurities.
keep being myself and do what i do.
be who i am and see my life through.
i cannot change for anyone nor should i try.
it is really what counts on the inside.
at times i feel discouraged, and unaware of all.
times where i cant stop my thoughts
my mind goes on and on
it feels when people come to realize who i am
they take offense or back away.
i cannot help the fact that i love to give and i love to share.
that i love to serve and i love to care.
it is in my nature to be so dear.
and yet it feels when this happens, i come off too strong.
i do not mean to be but as a result, i second guess my self.
i hold back and i lose myself in despair.
i assume the worst and i cower in self loathing.
i need to accept myself for the person i am
if you think i am hitting on you or being too close,
that is just the way i am
i love to surround myself with positive ora
but friends is all i am looking for-a
nothing more and nothing less
so forgive me for doing my best.
yes i enjoi flirting but who does not dear ones?
it opens up our hearts,
it lowers our walls and lets us all inside.
it helps us be more comfortable with each other
as well as with ourselves.
it should not be frowned upon
nor should it be discouraged in this day.
i reflect too much on things that are past.
i act as though i have done something wrong
i said something stupid or nothing at all
i should not have asked that question or gave that compliment
but that is all how it went.
people and friends perhaps do not even mind
when i say what i say or act how i do
but none the less it is always too few
who really think too much of things,
my self included. it's true.
i have come to the realization i cannot doubt myself
or fake who i am not
even if at times i lose that sight and since have forgot.
i am a good person and i love all around me
i accept everyone for who they are and what they want to be.
i show my love through words and deeds
through service, through gifts,
through virtuosity
i cannot hold back.
you cannot stop a flower from blooming with killing it.
you cannot stop a bird from flying.
so why stop a person from being as they are without them dying?
can you blame me for the person that i am?
i should not be blind nor lose my senses completely.
for if you are my friend, which i hope you are
than now that all my love is heart felt friendship
given to you because i am glad you walked into my life
and what i share and give to you is a bit of my soul,
an answer to a happily ever after wish :)
-12/04/12

Outside storms:

Just as soon as there is sunshine, rain clouds are never an impossibility.
The thunder roars. The flash of light ignites the room with a fierce glow. As the storm begins to rage outside, the room is still.
It is funny how one simple storm can change the course of your life. The symbolism a storm can hold. Whether it is a storm outside, or a storm inside, figuratively. A storm in religion, as The Savior and Lord Jesus Christ calmed the raging seas as well as the fears of those on the ship in the storm.

Hallelujah the storm is here. The clouds cannot hide the light. They magnify it. Each bolt of lightning, a piece of light in darkness, pouring light over every inch of the sky. A brief moment, yes, but what a sight. The danger. Sometimes the one thing one fears can actually be a beauty.

The power of the force of a storm. Of a force that lies in the storm. There is no telling what could happen. What caused the storm and what drives its fury?

A simple storm, no harm intended most likely. But this one small storm is one in a million. There is always a little rain before it pours. A funny saying especially since a storm implies rain. But the sayin kind of fit for the metaphor. How about there are always crumbs before the cookie is found, or the prize. There is always a a shot before the blood and damage. One small act before a major consequence or outcome.

What I am trying to say. Not every storm has a season or a plan. The idea of the storm, regardless of its fury, is still a storm. And let me tell you they build up. Soon, a storm will be raging, too out if control for even itself to contain.

this room:

this room is familiar. i have been here before. the black molding lining the white walls. a chandelier hanging from the ceiling. it is nothing fancy as you would probably have seen in marie antoinettes' day, but it is a chandelier none the less. the small dangling crystals reflect the light from the two windows on the western wall. the curtains are plain, white lace, nothing extravagant. and yet, the windows themselves are beautiful. a simple window is all they are, but their view, what they see is intriguing.

today, outside these windows there is a child walking along a park path. green and vibrant are the flowers that encircle the young but fertile trees. the child walks at a fair pace, almost as if she is enjoying something. perhaps a friendly breeze? maybe she has an ipod and is listening to her favorite, soothing tune. in todays world you never know. it could be an itunes mix or a pandora station. if it were me, it would be my indie-alternative station on pandora.  something that makes me revive. i never know what would be playing next. the possibilities are endless. the amount of music in this world is incredible, almost impossible to grasp it all.

beyond the child in the park sits a man near a telephone pole. an unusual place to sit ones self. maybe he is a homeless man and he has no where else to go. he could be a CEO of a major corporation and he stepped in some gum and he had to get it off his fancy, gabana shoe. or maybe he is a man who just got word that his wife passed away and the news was more than he could bear standing.

across the street a building houses 50 or more tenants, and 15 pets. the day is a beautiful one. the sun shining through the trees at the park. there is not a cloud in the sky. oh yes, these windows hold a special power. a way to see what is on the outside while still remaining inside. a way to imagine the possibilities of a life through glass. so close we are, but the truth is not in sight. we only see and know what we imagine ourselves.

yes this room is too familiar. i recollect i have been here before, more than once. nothing seems to have changed much, except the view from those windows i admire. this interior remains the same  while all the world around it lives on, never remaining constant. but this room....where are the pictures? there was two the last time i was here. on each wall from the door hung two photographs, paintings to say the least. now they are gone. interesting. the two chairs remain the same. rustic mahogony wood with blue cushions. one vibrant teal pillow sits on each one. blue cushions, i could never comprehend the choice of such a color for a chair in a black and white room. i figured the decor would remain the same. these pillows, however are interesting. i have always admired the teal color. i pick them up just to feel them. the fringes have a, what would you say, feathery feel and appearance. if the light from the crystals on the chandelier hit these pillows just right, they almost shimmer. funny since these pillows are well, fabric.

on the other side of the room the door opens. the pillows still in my hand, my eyes are focused on making the pillows shimmer from the crystals above.

" always curious to the point of not making sense, aren't we?"
i put the pillow back on its throne. " well, there is nothing wrong with a little curiousity. it is not like it ever killed the kat or anything."

..........more to come.

past blog::

mumbles::

How fast the time has gone and even all along

My feet are running the same route they traveled every day

My mind has most the scent of flavours that pass from the depths of time

Jokes cannot breathe whitish things but chores cute any soul.

My car drives by. The sun doth set.

The moon has risen and from this night, these kids are grown

Introduction

i have come to the conclusion this blog has been out of service for quite some time. it is weird that is has not been FROZEN. i recently went to play some games on the Neopets website ( yes I love that website and i have ever since i was a child) and my account was Frozen due to the fact i have not been on there for years. how interesting to know that different websites freeze or delete your accounts if they are not used regularly or monthly. how is this one still alive??

it is true, i started to use another blog, but that blog was used for the specific purpose of thought and challenge. i decided to write every day for a year. whatever was on my mind would go into that blog. however, upon realizing other people have done that as well, i felt unoriginal and i stopped. today, as i read through those entries, i am mad at myself for stopping a project that meant something to me, all because it was not unique in the world. it was, however, a unique thing for me. as a i read over those entries, i am in awe at my words, my thoughts and feelings. as i look back, i am taken by surprise at the words that are on the pages. i know i am no fantastic writer, but they hit me. it is hard to believe those words, those entries are written by me. almost as unbelievable as my fascination with mustaches.

because of this, i have taken it upon myself to take up my once stopped project and make it better. i will not only write poetry, but lifes lessons, short stories, etc. and since that blog is no longer going to be my main focus (since this blog will be my new focus) i will be adding my posts from my old blog to this one, one a day until they all are complete. and i will start with the last one posted. slowly but surely this blog will continue to grow and expand and reach an audience who will help my words be heard. i have a lot to say, and i am not always the best at saying it, nor writing it for that matter.

my words will never be edited. how they appear is how they will stay and how they were meant to be said. everything happens for a reason. the pictures posted are reflections of my inner mind, only through the inspirations and eyes of another who is not me. self portraits will occur, but not as often as intended.

each title of the blog will be titled through the inspiration of the blog of the day. as i re-read my old thoughts, i am curious to know who inspired me to write them that day. who or what was on my mind that made me feel the way that i did.....maybe if it is a specific person i will refrain from real names. they will be initials, or perhaps even code names. regardless, i will take the time to express my inspiration through the title and throughout the blog itself. 

i take this entry as my first: my introduction. inspired by me.
and now, to re-post a former blog entry from the other blog. these entries will ALWAYS be in a color. enjoi :)

art::

You see a person as a piece of work.
Each person is perfect, in the eyes of God.
Each person has a story.
Each story has a beginning and an end.
People are a piece of work, a masterpiece in the making.
This masterpiece waiting to be discovered.
I am afraid such a piece of work is not loved and appreciated for years afters its appearance.
Each life instance a stroke upon a canvas.
Every memory a color of choice.
Every choice an inspiration or idea brought to pass.
That is what great art is.
But like art, every piece has different interpretations and the insights are all based on one persons view.
Each person has an idea, a vision.
Sometimes one can stare at a piece of work for hours, a lifetime if they please.
But they will never truly understand that masterpiece.
As much as one tries to understand, they never will.
They can only assume, guess, and try to relate.
To bring about what it makes them feel.
Anger, sadness, regret, denial, happiness, joy.
Every emotion different each time the view is shown.
Even the artist themselves most often than not have not the slightest clue the revelation.

Every person is a masterpiece.
Every soul a story.
Art is a story.
Observe, and try to understand.
It can surprise you.